The Never Ending Story 

Read this year's 'winning' entry at the end of this page!

In 1830, E.G. Bulwer-Lytton wrote a book called, Paul Clifford, which was remembered for its appalling opening sentence that broke nearly every rule of good writing!

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents - except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

Many years later, a parody competition was launched which challenged people to write the worst opening sentence possible and it was called the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.

The "sentence" which follows won the competition - read it and you'll understand why!

Once upon a time there was a little boy - just like you! - named Jeff, and he lived in a little yellow house with a big yard, along with his mother and father and sister and brother and his bunny rabbit (until it got loose and Mr Koberly's dog ate it) and his goldfish (that his brother flushed down the toilet one day when he got mad at Jeff) and his puppy, Squitters, that ran in front of a car just a few weeks after Jeff's mom had to go to hospital for an operation (only the operation didn't work, and Jeff's mommy went to heaven); but before Jeff got leukaemia and died, he and his puppy had this exciting adventure ...

Think you can write better than this? (Who couldn't?!) Then make a contribution to the Never Ending Story.

Here are past winners:

• A small assortment of astonishingly loud brass instruments raced each other lustily to the respective ends of their distinct musical choices as the gates flew open to release a torrent of tawny fur comprised of angry yapping bullets that nipped at Desdemona's ankles, causing her to reflect once again (as blood filled her sneakers and she fought her way through the panicking crowd) that the annual Running of the Pomeranians in Liechtenstein was a stupid idea. (Sera Kirk) 

• The heather-encrusted Headlands, veiled in fog as thick as smoke in a crowded pub, hunched precariously over the moors, their rocky elbows slipping off land's end, their bulbous, craggy noses thrust into the thick foam of the North Sea like bearded old men falling asleep in their pints. (Gary Dahl)

• Through the gathering gloom of a late-October afternoon, along the greasy, cracked paving-stones slick from the sputum of the sky, Stanley Ruddlethorp wearily trudged up the hill from the cemetery where his wife, sister, brother, and three children were all buried, and forced open the door of his decaying house, blissfully unaware of the catastrophe that was soon to devastate his life. (David Chuter)

• The corpse exuded the irresistible aroma of a piquant, ancho chili glaze enticingly enhanced with a hint of fresh cilantro as it lay before him, coyly garnished by a garland of variegated radicchio and caramelized onions, and impishly drizzled with glistening rivulets of vintage balsamic vinegar and roasted garlic oil; yes, as he surveyed the body of the slain food critic slumped on the floor of the cozy, but nearly empty, bistro, a quick inventory of his senses told corpulent Inspector Moreau that this was, in all likelihood, an inside job. (Bob Perry)

• The moment he laid eyes on the lifeless body of the nude socialite sprawled across the bathroom floor, Detective Leary knew she had committed suicide by grasping the cap on the tamper-proof bottle, pushing down and twisting while she kept her thumb firmly pressed against the spot the arrow pointed to, until she hit the exact spot where the tab clicks into place, allowing her to remove the cap and swallow the entire contents of the bottle, thus ending her life. (Artie Kalemeris)
  

Hmmm ...

Now it's your turn ... add your tuppence worth to the Never Ending Story.

These are the current finalists and the latest winner (2001) of the competition run by
the English Dept. of San Jose State University:

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break
wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it."    

9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."    

8) "With a  curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied
for competition, and a small  straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that
defied description."     

7)  "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he
crept along the East wall:  "Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep."     

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of
narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex
change surgeon to become the woman he loved."     

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her
from eeking out a living at a local pet store."     

4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then
penguins often do."     

3) "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."     

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the
meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of
danger and spit in the eye of death - in short, a moron with suicidal
tendencies."     

AND THE WINNER IS...     

1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along
the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle
window, revealing  the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder,
gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside
her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming
madly, "You lied!"

2006 Runner Up

"I know what you're thinking, punk," hissed Wordy Harry to his new editor, "you're thinking, 'Did he use six superfluous adjectives or only five?' - and to tell the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement; but being as this is English, the most powerful language in the world, whose subtle nuances will blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' - well do you, punk?"

Stuart Vasepuru
Edinburgh, Scotland

You know you can do better than this ... c'mon  ... add your chapter to the Never Ending Story.

You've got a few more minutes to spare, haven't you? Then here's the funniest photo I've seen in a long time.

And here are some little known facts about the History of the World ... Science ... Geography ...

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