14 August 2009

Yuk!

Greetings,

We've already established the fact that we carbon-based bipeds are a weird mob ... over and over ... and every now and then, something happens that makes you pause and ponder some of the less appealing aspects of belonging to this group.

Cast your mind back to when we discussed this before here and recall again how much we admire long beautiful hair ... as long as it's firmly attached to the head. Come upon one of those exact same hairs floating in your pumpkin soup at the local Greasy Spoon and it's a different kettle of fish entirely!

So all our bits are fine and dandy while they're quietly going about their allocated tasks in the Grand Scheme of Things, but when one goes off kilter a tad and forces itself into the limelight ... Oo-er! Yuk!

This fact was brought home forcefully when I was merrily scanning my email one morning this week.

The Delete key was getting its usual morning workout ... Was I interested in meeting Russian ladies? Bored housewives? Couples for casual fun?

Did I want cheap shoes? Ink cartridges? Whiter teeth?

Was I bothered by back problems? Foot pain? Embarrassing hair?

Did I need a loan? A diploma? More hair?

Did I want to make bills disappear? Flabby thighs? Acne/wrinkles/body odour?

Ummm ... No ... to all of the above.

But then I saw one headline that sent a shiver up my spine, across my shoulders and back down again! It asked one of those questions that you just know will come back to haunt you for days and weeks on end. The subject should have been warning enough, but did I take heed, dear reader, did I take heed? No, I did not, and I have only myself to blame for the nightmares and thoughts that began to crowd in on me from that fateful moment.

The Subject read, "Is nail fungus making you crazy?"

Now if that's not a question to drive you to the edge, I don't know what is.

But before I could stop myself, I'd clicked on the email to burrow deeper into the funk that is toe fungus ... "Do your feet clear the room? Did you know that foot fungus thrives in the winter months?" enquired the writer.

Aargh! It's no longer just toe fungus we have to worry about, but full foot fungus!

And there, further down the page, was a photo, (thoughtfully provided for those of us unfamiliar with this scourge) of foot fungus in all its technicolour glory.

My stomach lurched alarmingly as this Vision Terrible took over my screen. I looked away quickly before it was seared into my little grey cells, but as with all such things, it wasn't long before I was sneaking another peek, just to see if it really was as horrid as I'd first thought. So I looked down at the keyboard as I turned my head towards my bookshelf. Then, pretending I was looking along the shelf for a book, I cast a tiny glance in the direction of the monitor.

(Do you ever wonder why we do this? I mean, I think I'm going to know when I've looked at something I don't want to see, even if it was just out of the corner of my eye.)

But I continued with the game, taking quick peeps until I'd de-sensitised myself enough to take a deep breath and confront the image full-on.

Aargh! Why did I do that?

Dismembered toes, particularly ones in the final throes of toe fungus, are not a pretty sight, which makes me wonder how anyone could ever have a foot fetish. And (scary thought) where do they find people with feet like these? What a job that would be! Talent scout for fungus feet.

I've been scarred for life, and every time I go out in public now I know I'll find myself casting surreptitious glances at people's feet and wondering what lies beneath those shabby shoes.

But what's this?

As I scrolled down the page, I noticed that this baneful blight had miraculously transmogrified from an affliction of plague proportions to merely "a pesky fungus." Well, that's all right then ... If it's just "pesky," it's nothing to worry about. In fact, I read on to discover with relief that we could all be proud to wear our sandals again come summer if we were simply to try this nifty ... thingummy. Not sure what it is, whether it's a cream to remove the fungus or a large sock to cover the infected extremities or even a handy saw to rid yourself of the problem once and for all. It's modestly referred to as the "Miracle System."

All I can say is, bring on the miracle and save us all from foot fungus!

And what a comfort to know that just by using this System, everybody can feel great about their feet!

I know, I know ... everybody is singular and should have a singular pronoun, but which one? She? He? It? Her? His? Its?

We've chatted before about the missing words in English and this case presents the most pressing need. We desperately need a general purpose, one-size-fits-all pronoun, and I want you to know that after many hours of relentless research and furious activity, I've come up with a word that will bring peace and harmony to drunken debates for evermore.

OK ... drum roll, please, Mr Music ... Drrrrr...

The word is a clever combination of all three singular pronouns, and the word is ... s/h/it!

Try it on for size: "... everybody can feel great about s/h/it feet!"

That works for me.

There was a young lad who was counting on his Uncle Al to take him to the circus. On the big day, however, his mother told him that his Uncle had flown to Australia to see the Davis Cup matches. "I didn't know Uncle Al loved that game so much," mourned the boy.

"Oh, but he does," she assured him, "Many's the time I've heard Alfred laud tennis, son!"

This week's quiz:

Those feet of yours are not just there to stop your legs from fraying ... See what you know about your tootsies:

bunion, neuroma, cryptopodia, orthotics, mycetoma, pedorthics, osteomyelitis, clawfoot, hyperdactyly, sinistropedal

1. chronic, slowly progressing bacterial or fungal infection usually of the foot or leg, characterized by nodules that discharge an oily pus

2. an infection involving a bone

3. swelling of the lower leg and foot, covering all but the sole of the foot

4. the tilting of the toe away from the mid-line of the body, usually characterised by a lump or bump that is red, swollen and/or painful on the inside of the foot in and around the big toe joint

5. a high-arched foot with the toes hyper-extended at the metatarsophalangeal joint and flexed at the distal joints

6. irritated, swollen nerve in the ball of the foot, classically described as a pain in the ball of the foot located between the base of the third and fourth toes

7. the design, manufacture, fitting, and modification of shoes and related foot appliances as prescribed for the amelioration of painful or disabling conditions of the foot and leg

8. devices that are used to control abnormal foot function

9. using the left foot in preference to the right

10. the presence of supernumerary digits on the hand or foot

And did you hear about the two podiatrists who were arch rivals?

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Last week's quiz:

These words are from Steve Fullenwider's 'Not So Correct Dictionary' ...

See if you can match the words with their definitions:

aardvark, teleprone, boasting, pronoun, skier, acoustic, alimony, golfer, luddate, poverty,   

1. having too much month left at the end of the money - POVERTY

2. one who yells "fore!", takes five and writes down three - GOLFER

3. strenuous labour - AARDVARK

4. apt to answer a cell phone anywhere it rings - TELEPRONE

5. pitter-patter of little feats - BOASTING

6. someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them - SKIER

7. instrument used in billiards - ACOUSTIC

8. someone you are going out with who does not understand your obsession with technology - LUDDATE

9. noun that has lost its amateur status - PRONOUN

10. bye now, pay later - ALIMONY

At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately. "I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."

"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman. "But think of how surprised I am! I'm her mother!"

A Little Something Extra

Time to brush up some of the basic skills ...

Punctuation

Using capitals, numbers and hyphens 

How to avoid sexist language in your writing 

Word of the week: Epidermophyton (n) a genus of fungi. E. floccosum attacks both skin and nails but not hair, and is one of the causative organisms of tinea cruris, tinea pedis (Athlete's foot), and onychomycosis

Now you have a name for your pain!

Oxymoron of the week: The practice of medicine (!)

And a Latin phrase that encompasses the whole man (or woman) ...

A pedibus usque ad caput

[AH pay-DEE-boos OOS-kway AHD KAH-poot]