17 July 2009

Disasters Come in Threes!

Greetings,

We've spoken before about the magic in the number three, and I have to tell you that this just gets truer every day!

The old adage, "bad things come in threes" echoed like a Greek chorus throughout my childhood, and whenever the family received news of some distant rellie or friend having been taken ill or involved in an accident or some misfortune, my mother and aunts sat back and nervously waited for the other two inevitable disasters to befall some unsuspecting victims associated with us. And the scary part was, that 9 times out of 10, it happened just as they predicted.

I've since discovered that it's extremely easy to find three disasters if you look hard enough. Why, it happened to me a few short weeks ago ...

Cue the music and prepare to be amazed, dear reader, as this story of misfortune, mishap and misery unfolds before your very eyes.

The first incident occurred as we were lunching with friends at a waterfront restaurant that had recently been taken over by new owners. These people had revamped both the decor and the menu, and we were all looking forward to testing both.

Before we go much further, you should know that as a rule, I'm a very obliging customer -- the sort of person who may look askance when a frozen pre-packaged prawn from the sparkling waters of Vietnam Harbour lobs in front of her as part of the advertised "fresh from the Bay" seafood cocktail, but who, when the waiter stands obsequiously at the end of the table and asks, "And how is everything here?" will reply, "Just lovely, thank you!"

But ever aware that I'm now In My Prime, I'd decided that henceforth, I was going to ask for what I wanted and demand good value for my money. So when it was my turn to order, I'd made a simple request that my Caesar Salad (can't escape these Romans!) be served sans poached egg. I've always had an aversion to undercooked food -- I can't abide rare steaks (remind me to tell you the story about Steak Tartare one day), I don't like sashimi (although I love sushi), and runny eggs (especially when the white is runny) are just too terrible to contemplate.

So I thought this was a reasonable thing to ask. I mean, how difficult can it be to leave something off a dish?

Of course, I hadn't reckoned on the Palm Pilot thingummy the waitress was using to record our orders. (The new owners had decided to update everything in their revamping, and so it was out with the old notepads and in with the new electronic devices that could transmit orders directly to the kitchen.) The trouble with the new system was that there was nowhere for any changes to be recorded, so I had to rely on the waitress remembering what I'd asked for -- "no egg on top." Yes, I know it's complicated, but I had faith in my waitress.

She murmured she'd have to ask the chef if this complex request was possible, and so saying, she vanished.

Returning some not inconsiderable time later, she said that Chef said that would be OK, but I might have to wait a while.

Ummm ...Why? How long does it take not to put something on a salad?

But, reverting to my Good Customer role, I said that would be fine. It was a lovely day, we had pleasant company (who'd all ordered hot meals), so we settled in to enjoy the view. Twenty minutes later, our waitress appeared, carrying two of the three hot meals, returning a couple of minutes later with the third hot meal, but where's the salad?

Nowhere to be seen, my friend, nowhere to be seen ...

Being well-brought up diners, my dining companions waited until my meal was served, but when after nearly 10 minutes, it still hadn't appeared, I urged them to start before their food got cold.

One of my friends had actually completed his entire meal when my salad finally appeared ... complete with egg on top!

So, I've learnt my lesson: you get punished if you try to rock the restaurant boat!

Disaster number two also took place at a waterfront eatery a couple of days after the Saga of the Egg. This time the Love of My Life and I were having a coffee at a place we frequent, and because we'd been for a long walk and were feeling hungry, we decided to get a couple of toasted sandwiches to accompany our coffees.

I went in to order and asked the young chap behind the counter for one ham, cheese and pineapple sandwich and one ham, cheese and onion.

Simple?

Huh!

Several minutes passed before our order finally arrived (how long can it take to toast a couple of sandwiches?), and peering at the two plates, our waiter spotted the pineapple and plonked one plate down in front of the LoML and the other (after some pondering and by the process of elimination), he rightly deduced was mine.

There's something really pleasant about a coffee and toasted sandwich after a long walk, isn't there, so we tucked in with happy anticipation. My husband continued to tuck in, while I stopped mid-chew to examine my most unusual taste combination. For far from getting my requested ham, cheese and onion sanger, I'd instead been given a ham, pineapple and onion one. And let me tell you, that's not a combination that's going to take the culinary world by storm any time soon.

Sigh ...

After this experience, I prepared myself for the arrival of Dining Disaster Number Three, and it wasn't long in coming.

This time, we were having a picnic (again down on the waterfront). What can I say? When you live near the water, you tend to spend a lot of time enjoying it. The trouble is, so do Others. And some of these others have no idea of the Rules of the Picnic, and we all know that there are rules.

Rule Number One is that if someone has set up their picnic at a table, that becomes "bar," and no-one else is allowed to plump themselves and their screaming children down at the end of the table that's already "taken." It's just Not Done ... it's the Rule.

But did our uncouth companions take heed of this? No, indeed, they did not. They proceeded to add insult to injury when they also commandeered The Barbeque. This is clearly going Too Far, because we'd carefully cleaned down the barbie (even though the council cleaner does a sterling job every morning, scrubbing the waterfront barbeques until they sparkle), and we'd arranged our food in an orderly fashion on the plate so it could all cook to perfection: meat on one side, whole mushrooms, sliced potatoes, halved tomatoes all set out in neat little rows on the other side.

And while "normal" people would have understood the correct etiquette and waited their turn, our UCs unceremoniously and noisily pushed our food to one side where our veggies huddled, lost and forlorn, next to the mounds of raw chicken, weeping salmonella-laden liquid all over our pristine plate.

Sigh ...

We're eating at home for a while where the Disasters can't find us!

OK ... these may not count as disasters in the Grand Scheme of Things, but they were all obviously the result of the "malevolent influence of a heavenly body" as far as I was concerned, and that's the original meaning of the word 'disaster.' Look at it and what do you see in the root?

'-aster' which comes from the Greek astron, meaning 'a star.' The prefix dis- means 'away, without,' so a disaster was originally "an unpropitious or baleful aspect of a planet or star." dictionary.com tells us "the sense is astrological, of a calamity blamed on an unfavourable position of a planet."

Since then, it's assumed its current meaning of an "adverse or unfortunate event; a sudden and extraordinary misfortune; a calamity; a serious mishap; an occurrence causing widespread destruction and distress; a catastrophe."

All of which apply to our dining disasters!

I liked this little story ...

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait. "Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?" he says.

The man goes into the bar, and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little pigs . . . "

Disasters make a fine start for any short story, and if you have a few ideas and fancy putting pen to paper (or dainty digit to keyboard) why not write a story and enter it in the 4th International Aeon Award for Short Fiction Contest?

This competition originates in Ireland and is run in conjunction with Albedo One magazine. There are four rounds, and there's still time to enter your work of speculative fiction in the final round.

I've read some of the previous winning entries and the standard is high, but I know your writing is also of the same high standard, so click to get the submission guidelines and details about the competition here.

And just to set your mind at ease, this is a legitimate short story contest, where the winners often go on to greater things. "The goal of the contest is to promote new writers and writing in the speculative fiction genres. Stories short-listed for previous Awards have been reprinted in the prestigious Year's Best SF edited by Gardner Dozois, received Honourable Mentions in other venues such as the Year's Best Fantasy and Horror and have been translated into other languages for publication in national venues such as Galaxies magazine in France."

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This week's quiz:

Here are some terms you may come across while dining out ... Match 'em up:

aperitif, entree, carpaccio, gratuity, Mâitre d'Hôtel, appetiser, sous chef, à la Carte, baba, farci

1. head of the catering department; the host

2. priced separately on the menu, as opposed to an entire meal set at one price

3.  small drink of alcoholic liquor taken to stimulate the appetite before a meal

4. the second in command in a kitchen

5. a dish served at dinner between the principal courses

6. French term for stuffed

7. small portion of a food or drink served before or at the beginning of a meal to stimulate the desire to eat

8. Paper thin slices of raw beef, traditionally served with a creamy sauce; may also describe other types of thinly sliced raw or smoked meats, fish or vegetables

9. small cake made from a yeast dough, typically containing raisins or currants, baked in a cylindrical mould, and then soaked in a rum-flavoured syrup

10. gift of money, over and above payment due for service, as to a waiter; tip

And some signs you're eating genetically modified food:

Your green beans are attempting a split flanking manoeuvre on your clearly surprised mashed potatoes.

You use the leftover chicken as a nightlight for your kid's room.

The label says that your buffalo chicken wings are made from REAL flying bison.

Last week's quiz:

1. definately, definitly, DEFINITELY

2. buraucracy, BUREAUCRACY, beuracracy

3. indite, indicte, INDICT

4. BROCCOLI, brocolli, broccolli

5. sacrilidgious, sacriligious, SACRILEGIOUS

6. predjudice, prejudise, PREJUDICE

7. flegm, PHLEGM, phlem

8. UNNECESSARY, uneccesary, unecessarry

9. accidently, accidentaly, ACCIDENTALLY

10. REFRIGERATOR, refridgerator, refrigerater

And this waitress probably used to work in some of the places we've been recently ...

"What flavours of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.

"Vanilla, strawberry and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.

Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"

"No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...ummm.... vanilla, strawberry and chocolate."

A Little Something Extra

If you're eager to get started on your short story for the Albedo contest (or if you just want to try your hand at penning a story), here are some articles to help you write a short story.

And if you find it difficult to keep track of your characters, your scenes, your sub-plots etc, this may be just the ticket! This software uses the same methods that are used in England's leading university creative writing course and can help anyone start that novel that's lurking in all of us. (It's also based on the same methods J K Rowling uses to write her Harry Potter novels ... The latest film in the HP series looks like being another blockbuster ... Not a bad act to follow, if you ask me!)

This isn't put out by some fly-by-night mob, either, in fact, there are over 51,000 happy writers using Newnovelist as we speak. All tapping away at their keyboards in more than 60 countries. Click to read more.

We're all the same when we write. You know what you want to write, and what you meant to write, but this often makes it difficult to pick up little mistakes (and sometimes big ones) in your own writing. If you can't afford to have a professional editor proofread your work, and your friends and family suddenly get really busy when they see you approach with your draft in one hand, then the next best thing is a software program that sits quietly in your PC ready to edit your work like a professional at a moment's notice! It's a ripper!  

Word of the week: Defenestrate (vb) To throw someone or something out of a window

I know ... it sounds as if it should have something to do with armies (defence) or cutting down trees in a forest, but this word actually comes from one of my favourite Latin words: fenestra, meaning 'a window' (and de 'out of')

It's one of those words that takes me straight back to a warm summer's afternoon (or it could have been a cold winter's morning) when I was in high school. We were in French class and were learning about circumflexes, and our teacher told us that the circumflex was used in French to replace an S in the Latin root of the word. And to illustrate, he wrote fenêtre on the board, telling us that this came from the Latin fenestra.

It's something I've never forgotten ... I hope Mr Sommers would be chuffed if he knew one of his lessons was still so vivid after all these decades!

Oxymoron of the week: fast food restaurant

And this week's Latin phrase will surely come in handy this weekend if the weather is nice in your little corner of the world ...

Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?

[ahn-ee-mahd-wehr-tees-TEEN-ay 00-bee-KOOM-kway STAYZ FOO-moom RAK-tah EEN FAH-kee-aym FAR-ree]