9 November 2007

Fancy a Flutter?

Greetings,

Well, we've just had another one ... Melbourne Cup, that is. And if you've been with me for any length of time, you'll know all about the Melbourne Cup. 

I'm not what you could call a keen gambler, although when I was a girl, I can remember my dad used to spend every weekend poring over the racing form guides and scribbling notes and numbers in an exercise book. He recorded the numbers, barriers, weights, odds, places and dividends of horses from different race meetings and then spent the rest of the week trying to come up with a Winning System. He never got around to placing any bets, he just liked all the maths involved. 

No, I lie, he did place a bet once a year -- on the Melbourne Cup.

In my Foolish Youth, I placed my annual bet on the horse that had the nicest face, only to come to the realisation that all horses have nice faces, so as the years went by, I felt I needed to get a little more scientific about this whole gambling thing. And even though I was genetically predisposed to a left-brain way of doing things, I eschewed the notion of numbers and relied instead on words. Over the intervening years I've developed (or perhaps evolved) my own System for Picking Horses, which I'm happy to share with you now.

Ahem ... 

Here we go ... You may take notes if you wish ...

The System is as follows:

You choose horses that have colours in their names (such as Blue Monday, Black Tom and Purple Moon. And you can even cheat a bit and put in ones that sort of have colours, such as Blutigeroo).

If there are no colours, choose horses that have three words in their name (such as On a Jeune or, at a stretch, names like Master O'Reilly).

Failing that, look for horses that sort of have connections (such as Tungsten Strike and Laser Sharp ... Well, I can see a connection!)

Yet another method for choosing horses is to back those that have abstract nouns as their names. F'r instance, you'd back Efficiency, but not Efficient ('cause that's an adjective, not an abstract noun).

Sounds like A Plan, doesn't it? But as with all plans and systems, it's so easy to come a cropper, and that's what happened to me this year. 

Would it surprise you to learn that all the above names belong to real horses and all were in this year's Melbourne Cup?

Ha! You think that's bad?

Now is your cue to roll your eyes and sigh heavily when I tell you that the winning horse this year was Efficient (the adjective, not the abstract noun).

Sigh ...

You can see now why I'm not one of the world's great gamblers, can't you?

But I'm still a fan of abstract nouns, those words that are the names of feelings, qualities, actions and states of being. 

Ordinary old run-of-the-mill common nouns simply name all those things of the same class or kind (dog, train, amoeba). And while we're at it, let's not forget proper nouns, which are the names of particular people and places (Ermintrude, Wagga Wagga, Australia) and collective nouns, which are the names of groups of things that are thought of as one (herd, jury, crowd).

Abstract nouns usually end in one of the following suffixes:

And since you asked ... Yes, Virginia, abstract nouns have some interesting origins. In fact, there are two types:   

1. those that are derived from adjectives and common nouns e.g. prudence from prudent, height from high, redness from red, stupidity from stupid,  peerage from peer, childhood from child, mastery from master, kingship from king, happiness from happy, merriment from merry, accuracy from accurate, capability from capable ... Well, you get the picture.

2. those that are derived from verbs. Some of these change the ending e.g. motion from move, speech from speak, theft from thieve, action from act, service from serve, and others add a suffix to the root e.g. beginning from begin, blessing from bless, wedding from wed, feeling from feel, reasoning from reason etc.

If you want to find out more about roots, prefixes and suffixes, here's a site to gladden your little heart. 

Apropos of nothing at all really, my son sent me these interesting English laws that you may find helpful if you're planning a trip to Old Blighty ...

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament. 

2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down. 

3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store. 

4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day. 

5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter. 

6. A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet. 

7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail belongs to the queen.

8. It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing. 

9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour.

10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow. 

There you go -- you've been warned!

This week's quiz:

If you're the sort of person who'd bet on two flies crawling up a wall, try these terms ...

filly, handicap, derby, horse, book, odds-on, hedge, gelding, hand, mare

1. covering of a bet with a second bet 

2. a race for three-year-old horses 

3. a bet where you have to outlay more than you win 

4. distance of four inches used to measure a horse's height from the top of the shoulder (withers) to the ground

5. female horse four-years-old or younger 

6. each horse is allocated a different weight to carry, the theory being all horses then run on a fair and equal basis

7. (in racing) an un-gelded male five-years-old or older 

8. bookmaker's tally of amounts bet on each competitor and odds necessary to assure him of profit 

9. female horse five-years-old or older 

10. male horse that has been cut off in his prime 

Overheard conversation:

First Woman: "My husband's going to a casino in central Asia."

Second Woman: "Tibet?"

First Woman: "Of course, why else would he go!"

Last week's quiz:

Let's see what you've got to worry about. Match up these worries with their meanings:

agoraphobia, euphoria, schizophrenia,  delusions, paranoia, dysthymia, hallucination, mania, phobia, narcissism

1. a strong perception of an event or object when no such situation is present; may occur in any of the senses (i.e., visual, auditory, gustatory, olfactory or tactile) - HALLUCINATION

2. an uncontrollable, irrational and persistent fear of a specific object, situation or activity - PHOBIA

3. a morbid fear of open spaces (as fear of being caught alone in some public place) - AGORAPHOBIA (a Greek word that literally means "fear of the marketplace." This anxiety disorder involves the fear of experiencing a panic attack in a place or situation from which escape may be difficult or embarrassing.)

4. an exceptional interest in and admiration for yourself - NARCISSISM

5. a mood disorder which may be characterised by extreme elation, impulsivity, irritability, rapid speech, nervousness, distractibility and/or poor judgement - MANIA (Not just Life in General?)

6. a feeling of elation or well-being that is not based on reality and is commonly exaggerated - EUPHORIA (Sigh ... even when you feel good it can sometimes be bad ...)

7. a perception that is thought to be true by the person experiencing it, although the perception is wrong - DELUSIONS (There are many types of delusions i.e., delusions of grandeur)

8. a psychological disorder characterised by delusions of persecution or grandeur - PARANOIA

9. mild chronic depression - DYSTHYMIA

10. one of the most complex of all mental health disorders; involves a severe, chronic and disabling disturbance of the brain - SCHIZOPHRENIA  

And here's a story about the dangers of gambling ...

Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was always done perfectly. If anyone said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. 

The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence. "Tommy," said his teacher. "I've just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three words. You can have half." 

Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, "You lose."

A Little Something Extra

If you're intrigued by the thought of having a flutter online, it will pay you to heed this warning first ...

"If you have never opened an account with an online casino, poker room, or sports book you may be wondering if the bonus offers are legitimate. We are all aware of the wisdom in the sayings, “If an offer sounds too good to be true, it probably is” or “There is no such thing as a free lunch”. So what’s the catch? When a casino offers you $100-$1000 in free money should you dismiss it, assuming that there are all sorts of strict requirements, making it too difficult to achieve the pay-out?" 

Click here to find out what's behind the fine print in these offers. 

Word of the week: Aphotic (adj) having no light; especially not reached by sunlight; dark

And if you think this describes your gambling success ...

This wonderful word comes from the Greek prefix a- meaning 'not' and the root phot meaning 'light', which has also given us phosphorous, photograph and photosynthesis.

Oxymoron of the week: Successful gambler

And this week's Latin phrase may well strike a chord with horse-fanciers out there ...

Frenis saepe repugnat equus

[FRAY-nees SEYE-pay ray-POOG-naht AY-koo-oos]

(The horse often fights against the reins)