The Write Way

20 April 2007

Uh-Oh ...

Greetings,

May I ask you a personal question? How do you react when things Go Wrong in your life?

F'r instance ... what do you do if you're expecting visitors for lunch and you've decided to make a nice quiche? You've got all the mixture in a bowl, you've broken each egg into a glass before adding it to the mix, but when you stop and consider, you see you probably need just one more egg, so you get another from the fridge, tap it on the edge of the bowl and in the nano-second it takes you to open the egg and watch it slide into your full bowl of mix, you notice a dreadful smell ...

Do you wail and cry then hurl yourself onto the bed, berating your foolishness in ever thinking you could be let loose in a kitchen? Do you reach for the cooking sherry? (For medicinal purposes only, of course.) Do you take the coward's way out and lock all the doors and hide under the bed when they knock on your door?

What about if you turn up for work one morning and the boss calls you into the office and hands you a letter telling you you're redundant? Or maybe he or she (the little rodent) doesn't even have the decency to confront you face to face, but just sends an email?

Do you rant and rave about your years of loyal service and scream abuse at everyone within coo-ee? Do you head for the nearest liquor store to drown your sorrows? Do you withdraw, feeling a failure and telling yourself that your life, as you know it, is now over?

Or what do you do if your previously faithful partner suddenly reveals himself (or herself) to be louse of royal proportions?

Do you put an ad in the local paper for a Hit-Man to finish him/her off? Do you head for the highest bridge and threaten to jump? Do you retreat into a shell, telling yourself you're unworthy?

What if I told you there's a better way? 

There is, and I'm about to reveal the secret to success and happiness ... 

Drum roll if you please, Mr Music! 

Ddddddddd...

C'mon now, you'll have to squish in a bit so we can fit under the Cone of Silence ... Comfy?

All right ... here we go then ... The secret to success and happiness in every sphere of human endeavour can be explained in one word. One word can change your world, and that word is ... (Oh, the tension mounts unbearably, doesn't it?) ... The word is "next."

Yep ... that's it. When things go wrong, you simply say to yourself, "Next!"

The quiche is ruined?

Next! 

Head for the cupboard and make something else. Open a tin of tuna and make a sandwich ... Got some rice? Make a risotto. Nothing but a few sad vegetables in the bottom drawer of the fridge? Toss 'em in a pot, add some water and you've got soup!

Got the sack?

Next! 

Buy a paper, look for another job. Go for a walk to your nearest shopping centre and look for all the Staff Wanted notices in shop windows. Put your name down at an Employment Agency and thank your lucky stars you're out of all that back-biting ...

Your dream-boat turned out to be a ship-wreck?

Next! 

All your friends knew you were too good for him/her, look for someone better this time! Take your lunch to the Art gallery if you want to meet someone arty, have your coffee in cafés near the Stock Exchange if you want someone in business, take up jogging if you want to meet someone fit and healthy ... You get the picture.

So now you know the secret, there's no need to be taken back by Life's Little Disasters ... or even taken aback.

This is a quaint little expression that's a relic of earlier times, when things went around and people could fall adown. If you're taken aback these days, you're taken by surprise or startled by a sudden event, but originally, it was a sailing term. If the wind turns suddenly so that a sailing ship faces unexpectedly into the wind, the ship is 'taken aback'. The sails of a ship are therefore 'aback' when the wind blows them flat against the masts and spars that support them.

Hmmm ... fascinating, eh?

Here's a guaranteed way to ensure you always choose the right word ... it's a nifty program that goes over your work with a grammar check and spelling check; it offers word enrichment and has a built-in dictionary and thesaurus and it comes complete with templates for scores of different writing tasks. Click to read more.

This week's quiz:

Since we've been looking at excising bad things from your life ... after a fashion ... here are some of the many words we have to describe this process. If you want to cut it out, we have a word for it! You'll find bits here you didn't even know you had ...Match 'em up:

apicoectomy, tonsillectomy, bilobectomy, amygdalectomy, chilectomy, enterectomy, oophorocystectomy, infundibulectomy, omphalectomy, myectomy

1. excision of part of the intestine 

2. surgical chiselling away of bony irregularities on the lips of a joint cavity that interfere with movements of the joint; excision of a portion of the lip 

3. excision of the conus arteriosus, especially of hypertrophied myocardium encroaching on the ventricular outflow tract 

4. a surgical procedure to remove the end of a tooth root 

5. surgical removal of the belly-button or of a tumor connected with it 

6. surgical removal of two lobes of the lung 

7. excision of an ovarian cyst 

8. the operation of excising or removing one or both tonsils

9. excision of a portion of muscle 

10. surgical removal of an almond-shaped neural structure in the anterior part of the temporal lobe of the cerebrum; intimately connected with the hypothalamus and the hippocampus and the cingulate gyrus; as part of the limbic system it plays an important role in motivation and emotional behaviour

And you can't expect me to resist the urge to trot out an old favourite here ...

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop!"

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

"Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie."

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"Darn, there go the lights again...."

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em."

"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"

"Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration."

"What's this doing here?"

"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?"

"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."

"Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."

"Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?"

"What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?"

"Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"

"And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape."

"Ok. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature."

"This patient has already had some kids, right?"

"Don't worry. I think this is sharp enough."

"FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!"

"Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

Oh dear ...

Last week's quiz:

aristocracy, caucus, egalitarianism, bicameralism, autocracy, gerrymander, bureaucracy, anarchism, oligarchy, laissez-faire

1. the dividing of a state, county, etc., into election districts so as to give one political party a majority in many districts while concentrating the voting strength of the other party into as few districts as possible; manipulating constituency boundaries for partisan election purposes - GERRYMANDER

2. system of government in which virtually all political power is held by a very small number of wealthy but otherwise unmeritorious people who shape public policy primarily to benefit themselves financially through direct subsidies to their agricultural estates or business firms, lucrative government contracts, and protectionist measures aimed at damaging their economic competitors — while displaying little or no concern for the broader interests of the rest of the citizenry - OLIGARCHY

3. complex, specialised organisation (especially a governmental organisation) composed of non-elected, highly trained professional administrators and clerks hired on a full-time basis to perform administrative services and tasks - BUREAUCRACY

4. a privileged social class whose members possess disproportionately large shares of a society's wealth, social prestige, educational attainment and political influence, with these advantages having been acquired principally through gift or inheritance from a long line of similarly privileged and cultivated ancestors - ARISTOCRACY

5. belief that the economic affairs of society are best guided by the free and autonomous decisions of individuals in the marketplace, to the near exclusion of government interference in economic matters. That is, the doctrine that government should almost always leave people alone and let them do as they please, so long as they respect the personal and property rights of others - LAISSEZ-FAIRE

6.  variety of ideologies sharing the fundamental belief that the state and all similar forms of governmental authority are unjustified and oppressive and illegitimate and therefore ought to be abolished, with future social and economic cooperation to be carried out only by means of voluntary relationships and consensual agreements - ANARCHISM

7. a system of government in which supreme political power to direct all the activities of the state is concentrated in the hands of one person, whose decisions are subject to neither external legal restraints nor regularised mechanisms - AUTOCRACY

8. a system of government in which the legislature is divided into two chambers, an upper and lower house - BICAMERALISM

9. a meeting of legislators of any one party to discuss parliamentary strategy and party policy  - CAUCUS

10. social philosophy placing primary stress on the value of human equality and advocating radical social reforms so as to eliminate all forms of economic, social and political inequality  - EGALITARIANISM

A Little Something Extra

There's grist aplenty for your artistic mill this week, so here are some ideas to help you check your commitment level ...

"Before starting the exciting journey of writing a novel, check the true level of your enthusiasm. In an informal survey of writers, the “why are you considering writing a novel” factor strongly affects the success of completing the “how to write” factor. On average, writing a novel is a 2+ year task, which requires a strong positive attitude that you’ll not only start the novel but you’ll also have the drive, passion, and belief in yourself and the project to see that adventure through to completion. Your motivation must be very strong -- always thinking of interesting plots, characters or things you want to write about, as if you can’t help yourself; longing to put everything down on paper or computer screen. Bridging the gap between thinking and writing is as much an artistic adventure as the finished manuscript.

"If novel-writing isn’t near the top of your life goals or objectives list, perhaps you need to ..."

Click to read advice from writer, Donna Grisanti, on how to get your words flying from your ideas faster than you can get them down: 

Word of the week: Hemicorporectomy (n) this horrific procedure belongs more in the realm of science-fiction than good medicine ... you would think ... 

It involves what the dictionary coyly calls "radical surgery" in which "the body caudal to the waist is amputated, transecting the lumbar spine. This removes the legs, the genitalia (internal and external), urinary tract system, pelvic bones, anus and rectum." 

The definition rather needlessly goes on to describe this as, "a severely mutilating procedure recommended only as a last resort for patients with severe and potentially fatal illnesses," and concludes that, "it has only been reported a few dozen times in the literature."

Shudder ...

Oxymoron of the week: poor doctor

This week's Latin phrase could have been written for our Word of the Week ...

Aegrescit medendo

[eye-GRAY-skeet may-DAYN-do]

The remedy is worse than the disease