The Write Way

27 October 2006

The Mating Game

Greetings,

I think it's time we dealt with some grown-up topics, so I'll wait while you send the kiddies to the next room ... 

Oh, I don't know ... They're your kids ... Set them up with some paper and pencils and tell them to draw a picture. 

No pencils?

Give them a bowl and a kilo of peas to shell for dinner. As long as about a third of the peas make it to the saucepan and don't get eaten during the shelling process, they're doing well. 

No peas? 

Give them a book to read, then.

Gee ...

Where were we? Oh yes ... time to deal with some sensitive issues ...

I recently read a great whodunnit (my favourite genre when I want a relaxing read ... nothing like a good murder-mystery to distract you from the dust on the top of the kitchen cupboards!) This one had a female police officer as the protagonist ... she was the requisite trim, taut and t'riffic (aren't they all?) and one of her early suspects was a businessman who was (wait for it) tall, dark and handsome.

She soon eliminated him from her enquiries (you can tell I read a lot of these, can't you?) which left him free to use his considerable intelligence and fabulous wealth to help her with her investigations (our hero is a man who attracts adjectives the way your best black trousers attract cat hair), and as we all know, there's a formula for writing in this genre that goes something like this:

TTT + TDH = KAPOW! so it wasn't long before he was casting smouldering looks in her direction, she was catching her breath, and I knew it would only be matter of time before we were at that stage where I usually skip over a few pages.

Now, I'm not a prude, but steamy scenes in these books are mostly so poorly written that I find myself bored witless and just wishing they'd get it over with so we could get back to the story. That witness isn't going to stand around waiting all night, you know. And the evidence is going to get washed away if you don't get out there soon ... Can't you hear the thunder getting closer? Didn't you listen to the old lady at the end of the last chapter complaining about her arthritis playing up? We all know that's a sure sign that rain is imminent! 

But since this particular book had me engrossed not only in the plot but also in the characters, when they headed for the boudoir, I diligently took up my post in the shrubbery outside their room and peered through the Venetians. All three of us were breathing more rapidly after a page or two, and I felt a faint warmth spread through me as "he was overcome by the urge to mate and ..." 

Wha-a-at?

What did I miss?

Have they suddenly transmogrified into gerbils?

One minute I was engrossed in the antics of our fair heroine and her noble spunk, then before you could say, "Hello, Sailor!" I was ripped from the shrubbery and plonked back down on the stool in my kitchen where I was filling in time while my soup pot boiled ...

Such is the power of words!

One little word, actually. That's all it took to destroy the mood the writer had created. Instead of being immersed in the lives of the characters, I was suddenly very uncomfortably aware of the writer's presence, and if three's a crowd, then four is just too many. 

I was overcome by the urge to email this writer with the URL to a thesaurus lest she ever again inflict such a silly term on us. 

Goodness me! 

Gerbils mate, goldfish mate, centipedes mate; people can do lots more interesting things ... as we all know.

Here's that URL I was going to send her.  

Or maybe this would be better ... it's a synonym finder. 

But best of all is this natty program that helps you find better words for all those tired (and odd) expressions some people use. 

This week's Little Something Extra has an article to help you write in a way that will engage your readers and keep them immersed in your characters' lives, instead of making them feel they've been slapped about the face with a cold fish.

And speaking as we were of gerbils, here's a story about a hamster. (OK ... but it's close.)

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mum, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"

After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"

This week's quiz:

I was looking for some romantic words for this week's quiz, but all I could find were very clinical terms, so instead, here are some words about criminals. (Well, it sort of fits with our chat about mysteries ...) 

Match these up:

arson, felony, larceny, infraction, misdemeanour, anomie, recidivism, affidavit, somatotyping, mores

1. written statement made under oath 

2. habitual relapse into crime; the repetition of criminal behaviour 

3. the conventions that embody the fundamental values of a group 

4. any willful or malicious burning or attempt to burn, with or without intent to defraud, a dwelling house, public building, motor vehicle or aircraft, personal property of another

5. an offence punishable by a fine or other penalty 

6. personal state of isolation and anxiety resulting from a lack of social control and regulation 

7. a crime which is punishable with death or by imprisonment in prison 

8.  a method of studying objectively the physical types of individuals; the classification of human beings into types according to body build and other physical characteristics 

9. the unlawful taking, carrying, leading, or riding away of property from the possessing or constructive possession of another 

10. a crime punishable by imprisonment in a local gaol for a year or less, by fine or by both 

For a list of all the different ways you can kill people and things ... 

Here's an interesting story about love and marriage ...

Expectant parents were attending a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. 

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what would you say if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife'?"

One of the women spoke up immediately, "I'd say, Does she cook?"

My rant last week  about the insidious use of "disrespect" as a verb struck a chord with a number of people:

"Bless you, Jennifer!! I thought I was the only one who loathed and detested 'disrespect' used as a verb. The fact that it was used 400 years ago is irrelevant, really. So was 'zounds'! Now, if we can only, somehow, get people to stop using it. I hadn't come across 'disesteem' before, and quite honestly, I don't want to!" (Gillian)

"I mean you no disrespect.  I shall learn from this lesson and pack the use of 'disrespect' as a verb away with 'irregardless.'" (Dave Wagner)

"The "disrespect" issue reminded me of my attempts to get writers at work to stop using "surveil" as a verb. The word finally appeared in a dictionary, but I stood my ground for many years, finally relenting as a new generation with their "whatever" attitude toward grammar took over." (Ray Smith)

It's always comforting to know we're not alone, isn't it?

And thank you to everyone who spotted the typo in the quiz last week. The word is AHIMSA (not ahisma), although ESL teacher, Chris (Toronto, Canada) wrote, "My Indian students in class told me that the English spelling AHIMSA is incorrect because the real Indian word is "AHINSA" with an N not an M." 

I did a bit of a search on my best mate, Google, and found both versions of the word (although not, alas, my misspelling ...)

Last week's quiz:

Here are some words about this and that ... match 'em up:

ahimsa, distelfink, beadle, stillicide, cicerone, cozen, solipsism, zetetic, nugatory, eidetic

1. A continual falling or succession of drops; rain water falling from the eaves - STILLICIDE

2. a minor parish official who serves as an usher and preserves order at services - BEADLE (not to be confused with the four-legged beagle)

3. the philosophical theory that the self is all that you know to exist; only the self exists, or can be proved to exist: everything else exists only in the mind - SOLIPSISM

4. a Buddhist and Hindu doctrine holding that all forms of life are sacred and urging the avoidance of violence - AHIMSA

5. of visual imagery of almost photographic accuracy; especially visual imagery that is vividly experienced and readily reproducible with great accuracy and in great detail - EIDETIC

6. traditional Pennsylvania Dutch folk art motif of a bird or birds symbolizing good luck and happiness - DISTELFINK

7. of no real value - NUGATORY

8. cheat or trick; act with artful deceit; be false to; be dishonest with - COZEN

9. seeking; proceeding by inquiry; investigating - ZETETIC

10. a guide who conducts and informs sightseers - CICERONE

And here's a tale about what comes after the honeymoon ...

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon, When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic ..." Suddenly she burst out crying, "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home ... please, Mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home ... please, Mama!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset ... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, Mama ... words like dust, wash, iron, and cook ..."

Archives

Did you know that every newsletter is archived? So if you've missed anything since 1998 or want to revisit some favourites, you can do so any time!  

Don't forget to bookmark the page when you get there ... or even make it your Home Page. (For Internet Explorer, just click on Tools ... Internet Options ... General ... fill in www.write101.com/archives/index.htm and click OK. For Netscape, select Edit ... Preferences. Then select Navigator from the left menu, click Home Page and enter the URL above next to Location and click OK. For all the flash new browsers, you'll have to do a search on my mate google to find what to do. There's a search box on the archives page!)

Subscribe Here and Be Bribed!

If you've received this little missive from a friend, you can get your very own issue, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed every Friday morning by clicking here: mailto:WritingTips-subscribe@yahoogrups.com And I'm even prepared to offer a shameless bribe.  

Never-Ending Story

An Ape that wants to play Hamlet after being type-cast as King Kong, a talking anvil and that rottweiller ... Dr Morgenes is still caught in the nightmare that is the casting couch. Help him find a plot!  Just click on the Comments button at the end of the entry to add your contribution. If you have friends who fancy themselves as writers, invite them to contribute (just forward this newsletter in its entirety to them).

Map of the World

I often trawl this for comments to post on my site ... so if you say something about the newsletter or site, be warned, you may end up being read by one of the 2,000+ unique visitors who visit Write101 every day! Make your Mark on the World. Then stop by our Map of the World and read the messages. (Just click List) and add your mark. 

A Little Something Extra

I grumbled earlier about how one tiny word can destroy an otherwise great read for me, and this week's LSE has a whole article on how to use words to make your writing more compelling. You see, it's all in the rhythm!

"The whole point of writing is to create something a great deal better than the way we "really" talk - a great deal more interesting, more thoughtful, and more effective in every way - but to make it sound as natural and effortless as talk. What can help us? Only one thing - the rhythm of speech. This is the one thing we can borrow from it, the one thing we must borrow if our written words are ever to achieve an air of naturalness.

"All spoken language, no matter who the speaker may be or what his subject is, has a natural rhythm. We hear this rhythm wherever we hear talk. Rhythm is the way the writing sounds. "It is considered to be a delicate and subtle aspect of writing, which is felt deep inside, and is actually, quite tough to teach." Michele Pariza Wacek

"Rhythm is a powerful element in your writing, which helps you generate sound images, sight, and feelings for your reader."

Read on to discover how to make your writing "sound" better: http://www.write101.com/rhythm.htm 

Word of the week: Champerty (n) "the prosecution or defence of a suit, whether by furnishing money or personal services, by one who has no legitimate concern therein, in consideration of an agreement that he shall receive, in the event of success, a share of the matter in suit; maintenance with the addition of an agreement to divide the thing in suit; aiding in a lawsuit in return for a share in the proceeds"

Ummm ... isn't that what happens all the time in lawsuits?

This word comes from an Old French term which meant "the lord's share of the produce, of the field"

And if you fancy trying your hand at a spot of champerty, may I also interest you in the fine art of barratry? This is the companion sport of "frequently exciting and stirring up lawsuits and quarrels" as well as "fraud by a master or crew at the expense of the owners of the ship or its cargo" and "the purchase or sale of ecclesiastical preferments or of offices of state."

Jolly useful skills to have, wouldn't you say?

Oxymoron of the week: Sorry, but given our WoW, I just can't resist ... "honest lawyer"

And how can we go past this week's Latin phrase?

O! Plus! Perge!

[OH! PLOOS! PAYR-gay]

Oh! More! Go on!