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The Write Way 2 May 2003 You're Getting Sleepy ... Sleepy ... Sle Greetings, Sigh ... I had a close encounter of the worst kind with a Freudian slip last week ... did you notice? I was chatting about "hoards of hungry rellies" when, as Bruce Neeson pointed out, I really meant "hordes of hungry rellies." In my defence, let me just point out that I was writing that newsletter on Wednesday, after I'd entertained a score or more aforementioned hungry individuals over the previous Easter break and I was thinking about what I'd fed them, what had worked and what hadn't worked and what I could feed the next lot who were due to arrive the following Friday. (We had another long weekend out here for Anzac Day.) So to say my mind was centred on the contents of my kitchen cupboards more than on what was on the screen in front of me would be an understatement! Is it any wonder my subconscious chose "hoards - accumulated stores hidden away for future use" over "hordes - a vast crowd?" You know what a Freudian slip is, don't you? It's when you say one thing but mean a mother. (Ba-boom!) Speaking of things psychological reminds me of the time Lavinia took it into her little head to visit a hypnotherapist. She'd been having some trouble giving up eating chocolate truffles with her afternoon double decaff, and one of her pals at the Crystal Mountain Mystic Life Centre Pilates Class suggested she try hypnosis. After a supportive group hug at the Centre she was pressed by her chums to phone for an appointment straight away, but she's a vain little thing, is our Lavinia, and she'd left her specs at home by the side of her imitation reproduction Louis XIV four-poster bed. She wasn't about to admit she needed glasses to find the number in the Yellow Pages, so she fumbled her way through to H, joyously found what she thought was "Hypnotherapists" and made an appointment for the following day.
It was a puzzled girl who emerged from the session and an even more puzzled Raoul who, over dinner that night, listened to a minute-by-minute account of her abduction by aliens. He was so disturbed by her repeated requests that he take her to his leader that he rang me and asked me to dash over. Obviously mistaking me for someone (or something) of far loftier eminence, Lavinia averted her gaze from my awful presence, prostrated herself on the floor at my feet and embarked on a most flattering account of my supposed accomplishments and titles, addressing me as, "O Mighty One ... Keeper of the Keys of Eternal Knowledge," and continuing, " ... in grateful acknowledgment of your munificence and dispensation, I offer these gifts to your majesty and your court," whereupon she leapt to her feet and with her gaze still averted, backed from the room, returning a few moments later with something that was, alas, invisible, but obviously of great weight and value. "O Mighty and Great Ruler of the Stars and Universe, to whom all ships and we who venture upon your vast domain are required to pay homage," she continued, " I implore you in your graciousness to accept this humble offering ..." and more of the same until I was blushing fetchingly. Hey, it's not often you get this kind of adoration - you have to enjoy it while it lasts! And I did, until we adjourned to the dining room. Raoul, obviously distressed by this strange turn of events, leant across the table, set for dinner with the Royal Doulton Fine Bone China "Biltmore" six-piece setting (with matching gravy boat and ladle) and whispered a brief account of Lavinia's spontaneous performance of Swan Lake that had so startled him when he walked through the front door earlier that evening. Putting our heads together, we ran through some of the more bizarre incidents that had occurred since her visit to the hypnotherapist. First there was her frantic search for her belly button, carried out while she was waiting in the bank queue that afternoon, that led to the red-faced young police officer who was called to the scene having to fill in an incident report that was destined to stay with him for his entire career. Then there was her obsession with counting the fingers of all the people she passed while being escorted to the squad car and her certainty that she herself now had eleven digits. And finally, her belief that the earth's gravitational field was slowly disintegrating, which accounted for her sudden transition into slow motion ... None who witnessed her astronaut-like leaps along the footpath outside the police station will ever be the same again. A quick search through her handbag to find her appointment card while Raoul distracted her and the mystery was solved - she'd spent her hour with "the Amazing Arthur Aadvark, Hypnosis [stage]." With a snap of his fingers, Raoul brought her back to the real world and then with a flourish, he unscrewed the top of a fine bottle of Pink Summer Wine he'd been saving for a special occasion. With a merry laugh we three sat down celebrate the return of the sweet girl we all loved, and then Lavinia got her specs and the phone book and found the number for a ... But that's another story. For the nonce, let's look at some more homophones that you're likely to encounter in one of your Freudian moments: broom (used to make a clean sweep); brougham (a flash car with an open driver's seat, like a coupé) I can just see the look on the face of the person given a broom when she/he was expecting a brougham. cellar (dark hole in the ground); seller (one of those annoying people who knock on your door or phone just when you're about to serve dinner or step into a nice, hot bath; one of those people you'd like to put in a dark hole in the ground) core (the central part of something ... like an apple or the earth); corps ( a body of people acting together or associated under common direction - pronounced exactly the same way as the former!) ewe (a lady sheep); you ( the person you're talking to and be verrrry careful with these when you're talking to a Kiwi!) hoar (white or greyish white); whore (a lady of the night). This reminds me of a great cartoon I saw many moons ago. The picture showed a Roman galley (ship) with each sailor sitting with a big smile on his face and a woman perched on his lap. The captain was roaring at his subordinate, "Oars! I said don't forget to bring the OARS!" spade (a wee shovel); spayed (neutered) Stanley Salmon thinks I've entered a minefield with my medical specialists: "I'm still not
entirely happy with your clinical specialists! In my book Sigh again ... I got them right in the list, but a couple of letters went MIA as they "transitted" to the answer list ... I told you my mind wasn't on the job ... I need a nice lie down ... OK - now before you write to tell me, I know that this isn't a laughing matter ... but you also know me well enough by now to know that I prefer to see the silly side of things, and if the truth be known, so do you. So let's hear no more about it ... read on: Ring Ring Ring Ring Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear. Oh dear ... Some curly ones again this week ... c'mom, get those little grey cells working: mukluk, limpkin, valetudinarian, gnomon, flagitious, sesquipedalian, mundungus, ignipotent, oscitancy, horripilation 1. stinking tobacco 2. large brownish wading bird of warm, swampy regions of the New World, having long legs, a drooping bill, and a distinctive wailing call 3. the act of yawning 4. an object, such as the style of a sundial, that projects a shadow used as an indicator 5. goose bumps 6. soft boot made of reindeer skin or sealskin and worn by Eskimos 7. presiding over fire or fiery 8. a sickly or weak person, especially one who is constantly and morbidly concerned with his or her health 9. a big word 10.infamous; scandalous A child psychologist was spending a holiday in laying a new drive to his garage. He had finished and was standing back to admire the perfect level surface when the small boy who lived next door rode up on his bike with great enthusiasm. Such was his momentum that he managed to get half way up the drive before collapsing in a sea of concrete. The psychologist released his anger in a furious and unexpurgated outburst which brought the boy's mother out to see what was happening. "You, of all people," she exclaimed, "should have some sympathy and understanding - you are supposed to love children!" "Madam, I do" he replied, "in the abstract, but not in the concrete." Last week's quiz: OK - here are some weather words to match up: rime, nadir, aphelion, diurnal, anabatic, syzygy, katabatic, hydrosphere, anemometer, troposphere 1. wind that's created by air flowing uphill - ANABATIC 2. wind that's created by air flowing downhill - KATABATIC 3. instrument for measuring the force of wind - ANEMOMETER 4. the point of the earth's orbit that's furthest from the sun - APHELION 5. the rapid freezing of really cold water droplets as they touch an exposed object, forming a white opaque skin of ice - RIME 6. the lowest layer of the earth's atmosphere - TROPOSPHERE 7. the points in the moon's orbit about the earth at which the moon is new or full - SYZYGY 8. the water part of the earth's surface - HYDROSPHERE 9. a point on the celestial sphere directly below the observer, diametrically opposite the zenith - NADIR 10. relating to or occurring in a 24-hour period; daily - DIURNAL Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change. If you want to revisit past issues of the newsletter, or if you're searching for something about grammar to settle an office dispute, don't forget you can read all 228 newsletters in the Archives here: http://www.write101.com/archives/index.htm If you received this newsletter from a friend and you'd like to have the answers to the quiz delivered to you on Friday, just click here: mailto:WritingTips-subscribe@yahoogroups.com and why not spread the word? Send your friends a copy and invite them to join our merry band. Got a question about grammar, punctuation or any other language matter? Here's the place to go: http://pub37.bravenet.com/forum/show.php?usernum=3170114826 Then add a flag and message to the Map of the World: http://pub37.bravenet.com/guestmap/view.php?usernum=3170114826 You can read the previous 99 messages by clicking on the List button at the top of the page. NB - check to make sure your message hasn't been replaced ... if it has, add another! A Little Something Extra FREE Report: How to Write a Book ... Click for your copy: http://www.write101.com/letters/writeabook.htm If your next book tells the fascinating tale of a hypnotherapist, you'll thank me for this site. It's a glossary of terms that relate to all things hypnotic: http://northshorehypnosis.com/GlossaryofHypnoticTerminology.htm Word of the week: Omphaloskepsis (n) The practice of contemplating your belly button. Comes from the Greek omphalos (navel) and skepsis (examination). Yes, I know I've used this one before ... but it was just so apt this week, I couldn't resist. Oxymoron of the week: scientific hypnosis This week's Latin phrase fits with our recent foray into the mysterious world of medicine: Coniecturalem artem esse medicinam. (Medicine is the art of guessing.) [kon-yec-too-RAH-lem AHR-tem ESS-ay may-dik-EE-nahm] Regards, Jennifer P.S. 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