The Write Way

18 April 2003

Just say, "Ah ..."

Greetings,

I had occasion to visit the dentist last week ... and before you try to tell me that these days there's nothing to be scared about ... I know that. But the formative years of my teeth coincided with the introduction of Coca Cola out here, so I became well acquainted with a series of dentists and quite frankly, the experiences are seared into the reptilian depths of my brain. We're talking survival here, folks ... pure and simple. That lizard part of my little grey cells dredges up tribal memories of some lumbering figure, bearing down on me with flint arrowhead and rock hammer for a spot of trephining on a tender part of my skull to release the evil spirits causing my pain, and the fear factor kicks in no matter how hard to I try to suppress it.

So it was with sweaty palms that I sat in the waiting room as the youngster ... (could she have been a day over 11?) emerged from the surgery and beckoned me in.

As I watched this slip of a girl (OK - maybe on closer observation she was twenty-something ), I wondered what ever possessed her to go into dentistry.  Can you think of anything worse than spending your working day peering into people's mouths? 

Well, to answer my own question, "Yes."

Picture the scene ... it's a beautiful autumn morning, the birds are chirping in the trees, you spring out of bed, run to the open window, take a deep breath of fresh air, turn to your mum and say, "I'm going to be a proctologist!"

Why? In the name of all that's sane ... why?

So as I sat in The Chair, I pondered some of the myriad medical specialists out there ... (anything to get my mind off what was going on) and wondered if there was even one that I could bring myself to do for a living. (And if you haven't guessed by now, let me just say that Nurse Nancy I'm not - I have not even a passing interest in the workings of the digestive tract of any other human being, so please don't tell me about your bowel habits, your hiatus hernia or your reflux ... I just don't want to know ...)

A few possibilities that fought their way past the madman with the stone axe and into my conscious mind included: Ear, Nose & Throat  (too much halitosis - ugh!)

Dermatologist (I once saw a photo of the skin's surface taken with an electron microscope ... now there's the stuff of nightmares)

Podiatrist (I realise the foot is one of the unsung heroes of the anatomical world ... but wouldn't you think, that if there's a specialist for the foot, that there should - logically-  be one for the hand, too?)

Urologist (no comment)

Otolaryngologist - fancy doing that to your kids! "What does your mummy do, dear?"

"Um ... she's a otto ... an orta ... a orry ... She's a (sob sob) ... Mar-meee!"

By the way, otolaryngologist is just a flash name for our aforementioned ear, nose and throat bloke; a urologist studies the urinary tract in men and women and the genital tract in men; and the word proctologist comes from the Greek proktos (anus) and logos (study) ... Say no more!

You know how I'm always giving the old Romans a bit of a wrap for all the words they've passed down to us? I thought it was time to acknowledge what we also owe the Greeks - particularly when it comes to medical and scientific words. From A to Z ... they're all Greek to me: 

analgesia - from the Greek an (none) algesis (pain) The state of not being able to feel pain

bronchitis - comes from the Greek bronchia (bronchial tubes) Inflammation of the mucous membrane of the bronchial tubes

dyslexia - from the Greek dys (bad; ill) and lexis (speech) A learning disorder marked by impairment of the ability to recognize and comprehend written words

eczema - from the Greek ek (out) zein (to boil) A non-contagious inflammation of the skin, characterised chiefly by redness, itching and the outbreak of lesions that may discharge serous matter and become encrusted and scaly (And who still wants to be a dermatologist, eh?)

zoonosis - from the Greek zoin (animal) and nosis (sickness; disease) A disease of animals, such as rabies or psittacosis, that can be transmitted to humans

This week's quiz:

Match up the specialist with the job:

nephrologist, pulmonologist, gastroenterologist, toxicologist, otolaryngologist, immunologist, cytopathologist, ophthalmologist, cardiologist,  neurophysiologist

1. treats diseases of the ear, nose, and throat and some diseases of the head and neck, including facial plastic surgery.

2. treats eye defects, injuries, and diseases

3. treats stomach disorders

4. conducts the diagnosis and treatment of allergic conditions 

5. treats heart disease

6. treats kidney disease

7. treats disorders of the nervous system and muscles

8. diagnoses disease by studying cells obtained from body secretions, scrapings, or aspiration

9. treats diseases of the lungs

10.treat people who have been poisoned by household or industrial toxins, environmental toxins, and prescription and nonprescription drugs

Get out your hankies ... prepare to weep. This came from Marj Setters in the UK:

"The local swimming pool sported an array of new and garish notices.  All had one characteristic in common – a generous and inspirationally indiscriminate peppering of apostrophes! 

Lifeguard’s wanted

Ladie’s! Fight the flab!

Adult Classe’s Most Evening’s

Was the writer on some kind of bonus scheme, an apostrophe piece rate?  The most outrageous abuse of defenceless punctuation came in the small print of one of the posters.  “Management canno’t be held responsible for injuries……..”

Apart from anything else, how do they get past spell-check?  Being a pedant,  I pointed the problem out to the receptionist, who suggested I write a note in their comments (sorry, comment’s) book.

A few days later, I received a letter from the pool. It began

“Thank you for your note.  The content’s have been noted.  I have recently been appointed manager and I aim to professionali’se communications………”

Marj Setters (Without an apostrophe please!)"

Isn't that the most execrable example of the torment of the poor little apostrophe you've ever seen?

Now I know I've used something like this before, but since we've been up to our armpits in blood and gore and all things medical this week, I thought why not ...

Things you don't want to hear during surgery: 

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 

2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness." 

3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog! 

4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? 

5. Hand me that... uh, that uh, that thingy there. 

6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex. 

7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before? 

8. There go the lights again! 

9. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys ...and this guy's got two of 'em. 

10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! 

11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration. 

12. What's this doing here? 

13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. 

14. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?

15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. 

16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right? 

17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?! 

18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. 

19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? 

20. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card? 

21. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. 

22. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?" 

23. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! 

24. Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Last week's quiz:

Match the words with their meaning:

 nebbish, uxorious, nonplussed, chimera, tontine, enervated, filibuster, discombobulate, fink, curmudgeon

1. the deliberate obstruction of the business of a legislative body; a long, boring delaying tactic - FILIBUSTER

2. an unreal creature of the imagination; a mere wild fancy; an unfounded conception - CHIMERA

3. deprived of strength; debilitated - ENERVATED

4. an innocuous, ineffectual, weak, helpless or hapless unfortunate; a loser - NEBBISH

5. a spy or informer; a contemptible, disloyal person - FINK

6. the state of being overwhelmed and exasperated by an event or circumstance that poses an insoluble dilemma or seems intolerable - NONPLUSSED

7. doting upon or affectionately submissive towards one's wife -UXORIOUS

8. an ill-tempered person full of resentment and stubborn notions - CURMUDGEON

9. to disturb, upset, confuse, perplex or disconcert; to throw into a state of confusion - DISCOMBOBULATE

10.an investment plan in which participants buy shares in a common fund and receive an annuity that increases every time a participant dies, with the entire fund going to the final survivor or to those who survive after a specified time; last man standing - TONTINE

Here are a couple more comments about the neologisms I mentioned a couple of weeks ago:

"Embedded" when it refers to journalists traveling with armed-forces units is a
legitimate neologism.  It's adding a new shade of meaning to the existing word
to meet a genuinely new need.  These journalists are not just "with" the units
(the alternative you suggest).  They have been placed there, some would say
with the deliberate aim of encouraging them to develop a very strong identity
with their new comrades in the unit.  They share not only the "bonding" times
of severe danger and stress, but also the long, slow, hurry-up-and-wait times
that give an opportunity for deep friendships to grow.  This could -- and some
would argue that it is intended to -- destroy their objectivity and bias
reporting in favour of the unit (and, by extension, in favour of US policy in
Iraq).  This concept is new.  And insidious, some (including myself) would
contend.  But that's not the issue (alas).

The new noun "embed" (as in, one who is embedded) is a little more of a
problem, as it's just clumsy.  But it, too, is a response to a genuinely new
concept that needs expressing, and aesthetics must sometimes bow to expedience.

Thanks for listening.  Love the newsletter." -- Laura (Wollongong)

If you want to revisit past issues of the newsletter, or if you're searching for something about grammar to settle an office dispute, don't forget you can read all 228 newsletters in the Archives here: http://www.write101.com/archives/index.htm 

And here's some valuable advice that Albert came across:

DON'T SQUAT WITH YER SPURS ON: A COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day. 

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A Little Something Extra

FREE Report: How to Write a Book ...  Click for your copy: http://www.write101.com/letters/writeabook.htm 

Why is less, more? Read this article and find out: http://www.write101.com/arrieta.htm  

Word of the week: iatrophobia (n) fear of going to the doctor. From the Greek iatros (physician) phobia (fear)

Oxymoron of the week:  medical ethics; public health care 

This week's Latin phrase couldn't be anything else, given our subject matter ...

Mens sana in corpore sano (A sound mind in a sound body)

[MENZ SAH-nah IN kor-POH-ray SAH-noh]

Regards,

Jennifer

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