The Write Way

21 March 2003

The Play's the Thing ...

Greetings,

"Act I, Scene I - enter a man swimming for his life ..."

Now if that's not an opening to have you sitting on the edge of your seat, I don't know what is! Who needs to fill in any background material when you can be "...conducted ... at once to scenes of wild excitement and to situations of terrible distress?"

That heart-stopping opening is from the Very Reverend Samuel Reynolds Hole, Victorian dean of Rochester. Bet no-one nodded off in his sermons! The good reverend also relates hearing about an example of "compressed genius" from a traveller he met on board the sip, the Orient, while on a trip to Australia.  It's a short (very short) play called, "The Emigrant's Return" and is as follows:

"The Emigrant's Return" 

In one Act

Scene - a cottage in Ireland. Enter Emigrant, who surveys the dwelling with emotion, and knocks at door. Door opens. Enter Inmate.

Emigrant: Is my father alive?

Inmate: He is not.

Emigrant: Is my mother living?

Inmate: She is not.

Emigrant: Is there any whiskey in the house?

Inmate: There is not.

Emigrant: [sighs heavily] This is indeed a woeful day! [Dies]

Slow music. Curtain.

It has it all, doesn't it? Homecoming; expectation and disappointment; life and death. All in all, a poignant little tale.

Best seller material? 

Hmmm ... maybe not.

Then there's the self-published novel, The Great American Parade, which tells the story of the president who secretly arranges "a giant parade in Washington honoring the richest people in America, who would march front to back in order of their net worth..."

Can't wait to read more? This is the reviewer's summing up of the book: "...(the) book is printed on very white, shiny paper."

OK ... maybe you're not rushing out to buy that one either.

No doubt about it, there are some English and American, old, story-telling, little, weird writers out there.

Huh?

What have I done?

I've upset the Royal Order of Adjectives, that's what I've done. 

The Order is: Determiner, Observation, Size, Shape, Age, Colour, Origin, Material, Qualifier ... so I could tell you about those amazing little square antique black English wooden book stands I found last weekend and you'd not even look up, would you?

But since you're reading this, you're probably wringing your hands by now ... searching high and low for the missing commas ... or are you? The Rule is that you use a comma "to separate coordinate adjectives. You could think of this as "That tall, distinguished, good looking fellow" rule (as opposed to "the little old lady"). If you can put an and or a but between the adjectives, a comma will probably belong there. For instance, you could say, "He is a tall and distinguished fellow" or "I live in a very old and run-down house." So you would write, "He is a tall, distinguished man" and "I live in a very old, run-down house." But you would probably not say, "She is a little and old lady," or "I live in a little and purple house," so commas would not appear between little and old or between little and purple." (Source)

Some people whack in commas between every adjective, but it's not really necessary as you'll see when you add a couple of commas and try the AND test with our previous string of adjectives: those amazing, little, square, antique, black English wooden book stands. 

This would then read as: those amazing but little and square and antique and black English wooden book stands. 

Too much, isn't it?

How about this?  ... those amazing, little square antique black English wooden book stands. 

Try the test: those amazing but little square antique black English wooden book stands.

That works for me! But it all depends on where you want to place the emphasis in your sentence.

Oh, and using  the Royal Order would make our original sentence as follows:

... there are some weird little old English and American story-telling writers out there.

Here's a story about a person of a particular sex with a particular colour hair, but I'm not allowed to tell you which ... just in case ... well, you know how it is ... 

Ice Fishing

 A person wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right
 tools, the person headed toward the nearest frozen lake.

 After getting comfy on the stool this person started to cut a circular hole in
 the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed,  ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

 Startled, the person moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot
 chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice
 boomed,  ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

 This time quite scared, the person moved to the far end of the ice,
 started another hole and once again the voice said,  ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

 The very scared person looked up at the sky and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''

 The voice answered, ''NO. IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."

Oh dear ... 

This week's quiz:

THE GENIE

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon what looked like
an ancient oil lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a
Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the
usual three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...unfortunately, due to
inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and
fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it
be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She reached into her beach bag and pulled out a
map of the Middle East. She said, "You see this map of the Holy Land? It
should be a place of peace and joy but instead it has become the site of
horrible terrorism and reprisals, with every day another atrocity of blood,
fire and death. I want those people to stop fighting each other. I want
eternal peace in the Middle East, now! That's my one wish!"

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! Those countries
have been at war with each other for thousands of years. Hundreds of
diplomats have tried to get the Arabs and Jews together and they have all
failed. I'm good, I'm really good, but I'm not THAT good! In fact, I don't
think it can be done. So, make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to
find just the right man. You know, one that's kind and considerate; that's
intelligent and thoughtful; that has a sense of humor and makes me laugh
and is fun to be with; one who knows about food and wine and is a delight
to dine with; who reads serious books and keeps up with the news and can
hold an informed conversation that I always learn from; who cares about
what I think, cares as much about art, theatre and music as he does about
sports; who will help clean up the kitchen without being asked; who may
stop at the club briefly to spend some time with his buddies but who really
would rather leave the group early so he can come home and we can just talk
and share intimate thoughts with each other; who spends time trying to
think of gifts that will delight me; who sends me funny, romantic cards and
notes just when I don't expect them; who values women not as objects but as
equal human beings; who thinks there is nothing wrong with a man being a
feminist; and who is really fabulous romancer because he's a sensitive and
imaginative lover who thinks every bit as much about giving me great
pleasure as he does about his own satisfaction." "So that's what I wish
for.......that's my one wish."

The Genie went silent for a moment as if lost in deep thought, then let out
a big sigh and said,

"Lemme see that map of the Middle East again."

If only we could laugh ... 

I won't comment on what's happening in that part of the world except to say that regardless of your political, religious or racial persuasion, I know that you, like me, will be hoping that sanity prevails - soon - so everyone everywhere can get back to living. All life is too precious and too short to waste ...

Last week's quiz:

Match up the words with their meaning:

If you received this newsletter from a friend and you'd like to have the answers to the quiz delivered to you on Friday, just click here: mailto:WritingTips-subscribe@yahoogroups.com and why not spread the word? Send your friends a copy and invite them to join our merry band.

Do you like paradoxes? Try this one from Robert Dato ( http://www.dato-leadership-institute.com/ ) ... he calls it: 

THE Revised ROLEX PARADOX          

Just because you are accurate,  does not mean you are correct.

Thirty years ago when I worked in a hospital, I bought a Rolex watch hoping to have the most accurate timepiece available at the time.  I wore it to work, but my time was always two minutes behind the wall clock and the time my peers had.  I then checked my time with the national time kept by an atomic clock.  My time was the same as the atomic time.  Yet at work, I was incorrect because everyone else had less accurate timepieces, and the hospital functioned on their time, not mine.  Since then I have called this The Rolex Paradox:  Just because you are accurate does not mean you are correct. 

Something to ponder over the weekend!

Got a question about grammar, punctuation or any other language matter? Here's the place to go: http://pub37.bravenet.com/forum/show.php?usernum=3170114826 

Then add a flag and message to the Map of the World: http://pub37.bravenet.com/guestmap/view.php?usernum=3170114826 You can read the previous 99 messages by clicking on the List button at the top of the page. NB - check to make sure your message hasn't been replaced ... if it has, add another!

A Little Something Extra

"You've been thinking about writing a book ...

"But thinking is not doing. You need to put your fears and reasons for procrastination to rest if you want to jumpstart that book project. Below are the top ten excuses people give me for not writing; each is followed by my reaction, as an author and writing coach. If you argue yourself out of writing, then this list is for you."

Read the top ten list of excuses complied by Debra Koontz Traverso.  

Then, if you're inspired to get started, click for your free report on How to Write a Book.

Word of the week: Jeffrey Scott sent in this great new word: Scamanged (vb) Combination of scam and scavenge. To weasel something away from someone by using subtle misdirection coupled with outright thievery. This should be done in such a manner that the victim is unsure if they gave it away or if it was stolen.

Oxymoron of the week: a Fine Mess (another!) 

This week's Latin phrase is a beauty (and don't tell me you can't think of a few politicians you'd like to say this to right now):

Ascendo tuum! (Up yours!)

[ass-KEN-doh TOO-oom]

Regards,

Jennifer

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