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Solving your writing problems since 1998! |
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The Write Way 22 November 2002 Thank You for Calling ... Greetings, I've just spent the past 45 minutes trying to console a distraught Lavinia ... The cause of her anguish? No, she hasn't been cast aside like yesterday's teabag by some dastardly lover ... Nor has she just seen her last bottle of that cheeky little Porphyry Pearl smash to smithereens on her imitation travertine tiles in the living room. No, dear reader, it's much worse! It all started when the poor girl tried to find a telephone number in a phone book ... Need I say more? Searching for a suitable gift for her pet ferret, Bruce, Lavinia tried looking under F for ferret, G for gift and in a moment of inspiration, she even tried B for Bruce - but all to no avail. In desperation and with her heart pounding and her knees knocking, she dialled that easy-to-remember number for the automated, voice recognition Helpful Directory Assistance: 1284726450000039H-E-L-P ... Brring brring ... brring brring ... Helpful Directory Assistance: You have called Telstra's directory assistance, please say only the name you want. Lavinia (in her best telephone voice): Hello, ... HDA: The number for the dog show you requested is zero thuhree .. L (a little taken aback, but polite nevertheless): Hello, ... HDA: The number for the Hwang Ho game show you requested is zero fiveah .. L (more than a little perplexed at this stage): Hello? ... HDA: The number for the Henry David Thoreau u.f.o. television show you requested is zero nineah ... Click .... Brring brring ... brring brring ... HDA: You have called Telstra's directory assistance, please say only the name you want. L (illustrating, and not for the first time, her agile wit and ability to sum up a tricky situation in a flash): Ferret! HDA: The number for the frigate you requested is zero fiveah ... L (patiently and slowly): F-e-r-r-e-t ... HDA: The number for the omelet you requested is zero fourah ... L (somewhat less patiently): Ffffferret, ferret, FERRET! HDA: The number for the corset you requested is zero nineah ... Click ... Brring brring ... brring brring ... HDA: You have called Telstra's directory assistance, please say only the name you want. L (with fortitude): Bruce! HDA: The number for the moose you requested is zero fiveah ... L (beginning to lose the will to go on): Bruce HDA: The number for the out of use Colarado blue spruce you requested is zero nineah ... L (sobbing in defeat): You win ... HDA: The number for the Huckleberry Finn, come-right-in loony bin you requested is zero thuhree ... Click ... So is it any wonder that she arrived at my front door in such a state? She stood there, sobbing and sighing, and looked like a raccoon. Her specially imported mascara that had promised faithfully to stay smudge-free even during a typhoon had lied to her and run, hither and thither down her wan little cheeks from the tears of frustration she'd shed. Perhaps we should excuse the lack of parallel construction above ...after all, it's always a harrowing experience when you have a close encounter with any Telco service, isn't it? Parallel construction (sometimes also known as Parallel Structure or even Parallelism) means that you (should) use the same pattern of words to show that two or more ideas have the same level of importance. It can happen at the word, phrase or clause level. You usually use co-ordinating conjunctions such as "and" or "or" to join parallel structures, so it would have caused far less angst for all of you, had I written: She stood there, sobbing and sighing, and looking like a raccoon. Read more about how to keep your writing on the straight and narrow (and parallel) here: http://www.bcc.ctc.edu/writinglab/Parallel.html I've had a number of people ask me about Lavinia and where we met ... She came into my life (and yours) one morning when I was trying to think of something to write about in the newsletter. She just sort of appeared, fully formed like Venus rising from the waves, and made herself at home in my imagination. She takes herself off for weeks at a time and then returns, refreshed and ready at a moment's notice to tackle any social engagement I care to toss in her direction . There's another Lavinia out there - she, too, was the figment of someone's fevered imagination ... Lavinia the Elder was, "the daughter of Latinus and Amata. Although she was engaged to Turnus, king of the Rutuli, she was given by her father to Aeneas as his bride. This resulted in a grim battle between Turnus and Aeneas, which is described by Virgil in one of his last books of the epic 'Aeneas', and which ended with the death of Turnus. Aeneas married Lavinia and she gave birth to Silvius. The city Aeneas founded in Latium, called Lavinium, was named after her." (http://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lavinia) Jean knows that lots of people enjoy genealogy and sent this along as a bit of a Tip: You're working on your family
genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus
Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train
robbery in Montana in 1889. Classic! More proof of the power of the pen :) Some time back, Dave chided me (nicely of course) for my shameless pitch for contributions at the beginning of each newsletter, so I sheepishly moved this to the end ... But I'm better now ... and Christmas is coming and the goose is very lean, so c'mon, give those moths in your wallet a bit of fresh air like these good folk ... "Your newsletter is a great way to finish my week - I always know that I'll get a laugh (or at the very least a "chuckle") no matter how bad the boss has been! Thanks heaps." (Beth) "Worth every last penny you ask, IMHO!" (Rodney J.) "Didn't they write a song about your newsletter? You Light Up My Day! Keep up the good work." (Sammy) Lost the details of how you can contribute to my Running Away Fund? It's easy - and cheap at half the price: just 30 cents a day or $17 in nice round figures. 1. Pay by PayPal:
2. Click here to subscribe for a full year OR 3. Use your credit card on my secure order form: http://www.write101.com/fund.htm (You can also access the PayPal subscription link from this page if the link above didn't work for you. With PayPal, you can use your credit card, PayPal account or pay online using your own cheque account.) OR 4. Send a cheque: http://www.write101.com/fund.htm Just in case you were worrying ... I haven't really got a thin goose that I'm fattening up for Christmas ... that's just an expression ... No, really ... It's from an old rhyme: Christmas is coming, the goose is
getting fat Really? You've never heard that one before? This week's quiz: Match the words below with their meaning: mediocre, salvo, sallow, diligence, futile, logic, obsession, etiquette, impenitent, erratic 1. the science of reasoning 2. serving no purpose 3. not showing regret for doing wrong 4. of middle rank or quality 5. irregular in behaviour 6. a fixed idea that fills the mind 7. persistent effort or work 8. the rules of good behaviour 9. pale yellow 10. the discharge of a number of guns at the same time I received this from Stanley Salmons last week and have to commend him on his eagle-eye :) I've just discovered (rather late
in the day) one of your 'deliberate' mistakes. In the word quiz you sent out on
20 September 2002 you had the Sigh ... caught me again. As I said to Stanley,
"regose" is a word that means wrinkled and is used to describe coral
(well, on this site it is anyway!): An exasperated mother, whose son
was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to
get into Heaven?" It was that time, during the
Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited
to come forward. One little girl was Last week's quiz: Match each word with its synonym:
If you did a year or two of school French, you'll enjoy this: Two American astronomers were visiting a French observatory. One asks the other, "Comet Halley view?" Drop by the FOTA board to ask questions or post comments about language: http://pub37.bravenet.com/forum/show.php?usernum=3170114826 Then add a flag and message to the Map of the World: http://pub37.bravenet.com/guestmap/view.php?usernum=3170114826 You can read the previous 99 messages by clicking on the List button at the top of the page. A Little Something Extra FREE Report: How to Write a Book ... Click for your copy: http://www.write101.com/letters/writeabook.htm "Many new writers suffer
from a nasty malady known as C.S.S. (Convenience Store Syndrome). They assume
that it's necessary to get published in the magazines they see at their local
7-11 in order to make a living as a freelance writer. Read the rest of this article about where to find markets for your writing: http://www.write101.com/jgfreelance.htm Word of the week: Recumbentibus (n) A knockout blow, either verbal or physical. Comes from the Latin recumbere - to lie back.This perfectly describes Lavinia's conversation with the Voice Recognition Fairy at Telstra. Oxymoron of the week: Unlawful assault (there's another kind?) I know how much you all enjoy the Latin phrases each week, now here's a way you can enjoy them every minute of every day! Wear them! Put 'em on your coffee mug at work ...Impress your friends with your unique cap, T-shirt, sweatshirt, Teddy Bear, apron ... All your favourite Latin phrases are now on a piece of apparel - and just in time for the holiday season! Don't believe it's possible? Tch-tch ... the things I do for you ... Look at this: http://www.cafeshops.com/write101 Click on the images to enlarge and read the Latin. This week's Latin phrase seems somehow custom made for that feeling in the pit of your stomach as you prepare to do battle with the Telcos: Surgit amari aliquid (Something bitter arises) Regards, Jennifer Click here to subscribe for the next year: To unsubscribe from this list, send a blank email to: mailto:WritingTips-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com or go to the web site, at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WritingTips This menu will also let you change your subscription between digest and normal mode. |
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