The Write Way

11 October 2002

So, You Want to Write a Novel

Greetings,

You know I told you about my subscription to Reader's Digest? Well, I've just finished reading my Free Gift for signing up - a Condensed book.

I don't know about you, but 'condensed'  books really annoy me. If I'm going to read a book, I want to read A BOOK, not some wussy version of it, so I wasn't in a particularly receptive state when I stole a couple of hours last weekend to sit in the sun and read.

What a disappointment!

Whoever edits these should be hanged, drawn and quartered. (No, it really IS "hanged"... Remember we had this discussion a few months ago?) The first story began well - it was a great yarn about bad guys hijacking a plane ... Lots of murder and mayhem - just the thing for a sunny spring day! 

But it seemed as if the editor (and I use the term loosely), suddenly looked at the word count, thought, "Bugger!" and then shut down the story in the next two pages. No details about how the villain was finally tracked down (he just sort of went home), no fascinating resolution of the plot, no sense of satisfaction that the good guys had won and the world was safe for honest, law-abiding citizens ... Just, this is what happened, the end.

And the next story was a doozy. It was one of those saccharine romances that are usually good for a giggle, but this one was so poorly written I had to resist the urge to get out my red pen. Chopping and changing between past, present and future tense (sometimes within the same paragraph), using lots of show-off words, and just generally unbelievable characters had me tearing my hair and gnashing my teeth with frustration. A roomful of monkeys at typewriters could have produced a more engrossing tale!

It used one of those "clever" structures, where the same story is told by all the different characters ... It very rarely works, and this was no exception. The worst part was that the writer (a woman) had no idea of how to write from a man's point of view, so we have the male character (aged in his seventies at the time of writing) reminiscing about meeting his wife some 50 years previously, "Daisy Duck (not her real name ...) had caught my eye for the first time on the arm of another boy. I'll never forget it. She was dressed for the Fall Cotillion in a stunning pale green dress."

Now I don't know about any other men out there, but my husband has trouble remembering what I wore yesterday ... the possibility that he might remember what I was wearing the first time he saw me beggars belief, whereas I can remember what everyone was wearing just about anywhere we've been. You see what I mean? It's a girl-thing - we remember, men don't. Any time you come across a reference to a "stunning" piece of apparel, you can bet your boots it was written by a woman.

The other really annoying aspect of this story was that the entire middle section consisted of the central character (Daisy Duck) finding and reading a diary she'd kept 50 years ago. Now maybe it's just me again, but in the days when I kept a diary, it had entries like, "Saw J. at school today. He was talking to HER again! But her hair had flopped!!! Yay! She looked a dag ..." and other similarly erudite comments on life, the universe and everything.

But not our Daisy, oh no ... Here's a random entry:

"I had just put my basket of wet clothes in the back seat of the car and gone to treat myself to a grilled cheese sandwich at the X. The marble-sized grey counter was a bit sticky, even after Goofy (not his real name) swished a damp cloth underneath my elbows ..."

Where to start? The unnecessary (and totally irrelevant) details about the wet washing ...? The grilled cheese sandwich ...? The marble-sized counter? (I'm assuming this refers to the finish and not the size ... but why make things difficult for your readers with this ambiguity?) The sticky counter ... ? 

No, it's a close competition, but I think my favourite is the choice of verb ... "swished" ... How distracting is that? The secret to good fiction writing is to make yourself disappear. When your readers are so involved in the story that they don't notice the words, you've done your job. 

So, my dear, we come, sticky elbows and all to our topic for this week - some tips to help you with your fiction writing.

I have, in my Writing File, a great tip from Ian Fleming, a chap who knows how to spin a yarn or two. Fleming discusses the important role food plays in creating characters ... Really .... Look, just keep reading and all will be revealed.

He uses as an example his best-known creation, James Bond, who goes into a diner and, "Being instinctively mistrustful of all Plats du Jour, ... ordered four fried eggs, cooked on both sides, hot buttered toast and a large cup of black coffee."

His rationale for this?

"The following points should be noted: first, we all prefer breakfast foods to the sort of food one usually gets at luncheon and dinner; secondly, this is an independent character who knows what he wants and gets it; thirdly, four fried eggs has the sound of a real man's meal and, in our imagination, a large cup of black coffee sits well on our taste buds after the rich, buttery sound of fried eggs and the hot buttered toast."

So, when you're working on that Great Novel of yours, consider what your characters put into their mouths as well as what comes out of them!

If you're looking for a way to get started with your writing, you might like to investigate Steve Manning's course, "How to Write a Book About Anything ..." I've been directing people to this package for well over a year now and everyone who tries it seems to be very happy with the results.

This week's quiz:

Choose the phrase that is closest in meaning to the words given:

1. Hagiology - the study of:

the lives and legends of saints

the origins of fossils

literature relating to witches

2. Ursine - compares human beings to:

rare forms of plant life

the crow

the bear

nymph-like creatures of the forest

3. Usury - the practice of:

supporting any extremist movement

lodging complaints without provocation

destroying church property

lending money at exorbitant interest rates

4. Urbanity - the quality of being:

honest

refined

diffident

morose

5. Epitome:

a change in tone

a condensed account

the place on the opposite side of the earth

a guiding principle

6. Abstemious:

actuated by fear

prone to avoid difficulties

weak or shy

moderate in demands for food and drink

7. Perfidious:

able to control one's moods

faithless

difficult to control

gives full support to

8. Sententious:

over-confident

circumspect

aphoristic

sensuous

9. Phlegmatic:

strong-willed

slow to act

dogmatic

modest and refined

10.Derogatory:

tries t discredit others

like a canine

excessively abusive

anxious to improve

See if your message is still on the Map. (Only 100 messages can be stored at a time ... they drop of the edge of the world after that!)

Albert found this little story with a moral:

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.

"God," he said, "how long is a million years?"

God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute." 

The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"

God answered, "To me, it's a penny."

The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"

God answered, "In a minute.”

Love it!

Microsoft Announcement:

It has come to the attention of Microsoft that several  copies of a Geordie version of Windows 2000, otherwise known as Windaz Too Thoosand, may have accidentally been shipped out of Newcastle (UK). If you have one of the Newcastle editions, you may need some help understanding the commands.

You will be able to tell immediately if you have a copy of Windaz 2000

1. The egg-timer being replaced by a bottle of Brown Ale.
2. Also note: - The recycle bin is labelled "Shite"
3. Dialup network is called "Me mates"
4. Control Panel is known as "How we fook aboot wi the settins"
5. The hard drive is referred to as "Big disk wi aall me stuff on it"

0ther features to note: -

1. 0k - Alreet
2. Cancel - Fook that
3. Yes - Aye
4. No - Nee fookin chance
5. Goto - Owa there
6. Help - Ah cannit see it
7. Personal folder/My Documents - Me shite
8. Windaz 2000 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.

Applications exclusive to Windaz 2000: -

1. Tipe Rita - a word processor Cullarin book - a graphics package
2. Addin masheen - a calculator
3. Dole 2000 - accounting software
4. Porn - Internet Explorer

For those of you who aren't familiar with the term "Geordie," it refers to people who come from the North-East of England. "Geordie n. & adj. Brit. colloq.
n. 1 a native of Tyneside. 2 the dialect spoken on Tyneside. adj. of or relating to Tyneside, its people, or its dialect." (Concise Oxford Dictionary)

There are numerous theories put forward to explain the origin of the term, here are a couple from http://www.geordies.force9.co.uk "Taken from the fact certain allegiances were made with King George III, thus George's Men, Geordies.

"Taken as a derivative of the famous North East inventor an engineer, George Stephenson.

"Going back to the link with King George III, it appears that the folk of Newcastle Supported what was a very unpopular Monarch. George III was of course
Medically insane and it subsequently appeared that Geordie was associated with a term of idiocy. Thus in the 19th century, Geordie was a term of abuse."

There you go, you've learnt something new today. My grandparents were both Geordies, so I feel quite at home with the new version of Windaz!

There's a dinky-di Aussie site here. We came across Russell during one of our jaunts in the countryside a few weeks ago. He's set up shop in a great little cottage in the village of Dayboro and sells his books of poetry direct to visitors. He also visits schools, talking about poetry and his love of his adopted country. Drop by and read some of his work and say hello (click on the Contact link) if you have a minute to spare. I'm sure he'd love to hear from you :)

Click to see Russell's little Poetry Cottage here.

Last week's quiz:

Let's keep doing these ... choose the word from the list that's closest in meaning to the word in capitals:

1. He was LAMPOONED: praised, SATIRISED, surrounded, caught, struck

2. A NOCENT dose: disagreeable, healing, HARMFUL, useless, narcotic

3.  OCULAR proof: positive, VISUAL, questionable, scientific, probable

4. A RISIBLE mistake: pardonable, inexcusable, LAUGHABLE, costly, doubtful

5. SALUTARY policies: intricate, BENEFICIAL, secret, domestic, extensive

6. His wife is a TERMAGANT: QUARRELSOME WOMAN, child-beater, invalid, spend-thrift, miser

7. A SANGUINARY contest: uneven, beneficial, decisive, BLOODY, notable, doubtful

8. IMPECCABLE attire: strange, inappropriate, FAULTLESS, customary, formal

9. He was warned against MENDICANTS: quack doctors, socialists, liars, robbers, BEGGARS

10.We DECRIED the play: praised, CONDEMNED, advertised, reviewed, enjoyed

It's been a while since we looked at some of those amazing headlines ... "You know, the ones that make you ask, "Where's the proof reader?"

Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

A Little Something Extra

Here's a site that has dozens of articles about all aspects of writing fiction, from creating characters, setting scenes and constructing the plot to tips on how to use flashbacks, what point of view to use and how to keep your readers glued to their seats here.

If you can't find something here to inspire and help you, all I can say is that you're not trying!

Word of the week:  Abderian (adj) Given to incessant or idiotic laughter. 

Isn't this a wonderful word to use for those people who shriek in theatres? It takes its name from Abdera, the birthplace of Democritus, the scoffing or laughing philosopher.

Oxymoron of the week: A couple this week ... but in a similar style: 

Airline schedules; train timetable ... Oh yes!

Here's a Latin phrase to use the next time you think about writing your novel:

Nunc aut nunquam. (Now or never.)

Last week's Latin should have been: Intellego eam praegNantem esse. (I hear she's pregnant.) Thanks to Joni for being alert :)

The word is the basis for our "pregnant" and comes from two old Latin words, (as opposed to "young" Latin?) prae the prefix meaning 'before,' and gnasci 'to be born.' 

Regards,

Jennifer

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