The Write Way

10 May 2002

If I Were a Carpenter ...

Greetings,

Isn't it funny (funny "peculiar," not funny "ha-ha") how even though on the Outside, all our wobbly bits may have more than a nodding acquaintance with Gravity, while on the Inside, in our minds, we're still trim, taut and t'riffic? 

I started pondering this endearing little human frailty last weekend when we met up with old friends (er ... better make that "friends of long standing") -- a couple we hadn't seen for nearly twenty years, although we've kept in touch. My initial reaction when we met was, "No-one's changed a bit!" It was still the same laugh, the same voice, the same gestures ...

So when other parents thought newborns were a bit boring, we were fascinated at how they learnt to focus, to recognise our voices, to grasp things in their perfect little hands and we knew that this was "the best age;" when others battled with the terrible twos, we marvelled at all the adorable little things ours did and said -- no doubt about it, this was "the best age;" and so on right through their teen years. And while we didn't see each other at this time, we'd write letters and comment on how our babies were turning into real people who could discuss anything and everything with us -- this was definitely "the best age." 

Now all four offspring are twenty-somethings and forging their way in the world ... tempus sure does fugit!

Be that as it may, we had a great time, reminiscing, strolling around looking for buildings that were still standing from the days we'd all spent our honeymoons in the area, and finally we found ourselves walking along the beach at Surfers Paradise. And surrounded as we were by scantily clad Young Things, some of whom were obviously (very obviously) on their honeymoon, the topic turned, as it does, to the 'S' word. 

I've carefully avoided this topic in past, but I feel we know each other well enough now to finally confront it, so let's bare all and talk openly and frankly about it. Send the children from the room, lock the doors, take the phone off the hook -- it's time to discuss the subjunctive!

(What's that? You don't think the subjunctive would have been top of your list for discussion on a beach-time stroll? My defence is that we were both language teachers and we had polished off a bottle of a rather cheeky Margaret River white over lunch ...)

If I were you I wouldn't be too hasty to scoff -- the subjunctive is alive and well and appearing in a sentence near you ... e'en as we speak. Why, I've used it at least three times already and I bet you've used it a couple of times this week and probably not known it.

You don't need me to tell you that English can be a complex language, we have all those different parts of speech and then each part of speech has more bits to help refine the meaning so that we can say precisely what we want to say.

Verbs have tense to clarify when something happened (past, present and future); they have voice to make it clear whether the subject is performing or receiving the action (active and passive), and they have mood, which tells us whether what is happening is real or not ... well sort of ...

The Indicative Mood shows reality -- this is the "normal" mood or mode used to explain things that happen in "real" time. "Lavinia proved all her teachers wrong and read the book from cover to cover."

• Be that as it may
• Blessed be!
• Far be it from me
• I suggest that you be a little quieter
• If it please the court
• If need be
• If the truth be told
• God bless you
• Come what may
• Heaven forbid! 
• Perish the thought
• God save the Queen/ the Governor-General
• Suffice it to say
• I wish that I were you
• If I Were a Carpenter and You Were a Lady ... (Maybe you haven't used this yourself - but you've probably heard it)
• If I were you, young lady, I'd tidy that room now!
• It is necessary that he be on time.

Read more about the Subjunctive here

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This week's quiz:

Some unusual words this week - match up the word with its meaning below:

horripilation, sniggle, palimpsest, cachinate, golem, tergiversate, latimer, usurp, parvenu, horology

1. parchment that has been used more than once that still bears some of the previous imprint

2. an upstart

3. one having a knowledge of Latin

4. the art of making time pieces

5. getting goose bumps

6. to laugh loudly or too much

7. a man artificially created, an automaton

8. to catch eels by pushing bait into their burrows

9. to desert a cause; to equivocate

10.to take power by force

Since we've already been chatting about babies, here's a true story (would I lie to you, Honey?)

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter, Katelyn.

When Heidi started going into labor, she called "911." Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.  The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.  

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. 

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. 

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"

I can just hear her, can't you?

Last week's quiz:

Match all these M words with their meanings below:

multitudinous, maladroit, malodorous,  malapropism, maledicency, multifarious, munificence, muniment, multiparous, immure

1. to shut up within walls, literally or figuratively - IMMURE

2. great generosity - MUNIFICENCE

3. a document by which rights or privileges are defended or maintained - MUNIMENT

4. existing in great numbers - MULTITUDINOUS

5. bearing more than one offspring at a time - MULTIPAROUS

6. having many different parts or forms - MULTIFARIOUS

7. smelling bad - MALODOROUS

8. reproachful language - MALEDICENCY

9. confusion of two words similar in sound but different in meaning - MALAPROPISM

10.clumsy, unskillful - MALADROIT

Here's a story that Lachlan found:

A couple had been married for 40 years.  They had both celebrated their 60th birthdays recently. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each.  

As a faithful, loving spouse, the wife wanted a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and poof!

The wife had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn, and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted -- all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire.

He paused for a moment, and then, he said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and poof! He was 90!

Serves him right!

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A Little Something Extra ...

There are  two basic things that I guess any researcher will always  need to get in order before s/he can  be effective  -   the right *sources*, and the right *tools*.

Finding the right  sources - the reliable and trustworthy ones - is not always straightforward on the web. The usual indicators of  reliability that we find in print and other media  are not always there, or when they are there, they can be misleading.  As for finding the right tools, the "traditional" search engines that many web-researchers have come to rely upon are becoming less and less effective (according to a  recent estimate, they now cover only around 30% of web-based content).

Read the rest of Nicole Bishop's article on How to Research 

Oxymoron:  changing status quo (It happens everywhere!)

Words of the week: Cafetriv'ia (n.) - the inconsequentia people spout at each other in places of refreshment, like the office canteen. From cafeteria + trivia.  

pub'bub (n.) -  the conversational cacophony created in a drinking place. From public house  + hubbub

uke'yougee (n. and adj.) - the embarrassed non-response of someone asked for their opinion of a dear but creative friend's dreadful new string quartet, water colour, novel, play, hand-made web-site, etcetera. Initialism, from Um + Quite + Good

fraud'casting (n.) - safe and unimaginative programming by commercial TV and radio broadcasters.

screw-whiff; slaphazard; from rack to ruin; holtus-boltus  - Hybrids, possibly unintentional, of my Irish wife, which may serve to colour the syntax of others.

These wonderful neologisms come from Aussie author, Stephen Gard (Source)

A Latin phase for times when you visit someone like little Katelyn's mother:

Intellego eam praegnantem esse. (I hear she's pregnant.)

Regards,

Jennifer

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