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The Write Way

5 April 2002

Aliens - No, Really!



Every week I receive a number of requests for help which are usually related to writing, but this week I opened something a little different that I just have to share with you ... what am I saying a "little" different? Read on:

If you are a time traveler or alien disguised as human and or have the technology to travel physically through time I need your help!

(OK ... who spilled the beans, eh? I thought no-one would ever see through my disguise. Dammit - foiled again!)

My life has been severely tampered with and cursed!! I have suffered tremendously and am now dying!

(Now I feel guilty, but ... Gee ... aliens? )

I need to be able to: Travel back in time and rewind my life including my age back to 4.

(I'm thinking that IF you did rewind your life, your age would probably unwind right along with it. No?)

I am in very great danger and need this immediately!

I need as close to temporal reversion as possible, as safely as possible. To be able to rewind the hands of time in such a way that the universe of now will cease to exist. 

(Yes, well, it IS getting close to Tax Time ... and if the universe of now really could cease to exist ... maybe this chappy is on to something after all ... Tell me more, my good man!)

I know that there are some very powerful people out there with alien or government equipment capable of doing just that. I am aware of two types of time travel one in physical form and the other in energy form where a snapshot of your brain is taken using either the dimensional warp or an electronic device and then sends your consciousness back through time to part with your younger self. 

(Uh-oh ... now this is where we strike a problem ... that bit about taking a snapshot of your brain ... I dunno ... it sort of presupposes the existence of a brain, don't you think?)

Please explain how safe and what your method involves.

(It involves a nice trip in a van to somewhere quiet in the country, where you wear a nifty white jacket and spend a lot of time weaving baskets ...)

I have a time machine now, but it has limited abilitys and is useless without a vortex.

(Aren't they all? You'd think that in this day and age the least you could expect is a half-way decent vortex with your time machine, now wouldn't you? And a spelling lesson wouldn't go astray at this point either.)

If you can provide information on how to create vortex generator or where I can get some of the blue glowing moon crystals this would also be helpful. 

(Right, now I can definitely help with this one ... I just happen to have a small quantity of blue glowing moon crystals that I've been saving for a rainy day. But, hey - your need is greater than mine. I could let you have them for ... oh, say a coupla grand ... And if you need a launching pad - I have this great bridge I could sell you ... )

I am however concerned with the high level of radiation these crystals give off, if  you could provide a shielding or other crystals which give off a north polarized vortex field just as strong or strong enough to make a watch stop this would be great.

(Honey, I think your watch stopped a long time ago!)

Only if you have this technology and can help me exactly as mentioned please send me a (SEPARATE) email to:
(email address deleted for obvious reasons).

Please do not reply if your an evil alien!

(Darn! That lets me out then.) 

OK - Is it just me or does anyone else think there are some ver-r-ry strange puppies out there?

A quick search on google for "aliens disguised as humans" turned up 4,750 pages, among which was this gem:

Paranormal researcher Colin Wilson says he’s uncovered reports of fairy abductions that are remarkably similar to UFO abduction tales.

It seems UFO and fairy abductees both tend to forget their experiences, they’re usually returned to the same spot from which they were abducted, and they usually describe their alien or fairy captors as looking “reptilian.”

Wilson says some paranormal investigators believe fairies are merely aliens in disguise, while others believe fairies are alien emissaries sent to prepare Earthlings for UFO abductions.

I love that line, " ... some paranormal investigators believe fairies are merely aliens in disguise ..." Oh dear!

But enough of this frivolity ... I know you're on the ball and would have noticed something else a little odd about that email. 

Right - "... do not reply if your an evil alien!"

"Your" is the possessive adjective: "Here is your nice white jacket." 

"You're" is an abbreviation for 'you are': "You're an evil alien, aargh!" 

"Yaw" is a verb that means to swerve off course momentarily or temporarily. It's a nautical term but can also be used for aircraft, spacecraft, or projectiles - so with just a teensy bit of poetic licence we could extend that to time machines I'm sure: "The time machine yawed as it hit turbulence when its blue glowing moon crystals turned red." 

"Yours" is a possessive pronoun and refers to something that belongs to you: "This vortex is yours." 

"Yaws" is an infectious tropical disease resembling syphilis in its early stages; marked by red skin eruptions and ulcerating lesions. 

While we're on the subject of yaws, you may (or may not) be interested in this bit of trivia: 

Analysis of Homo erectus skeletal remains suggests the disease yaws had its origins in Middle Pleistocene Africa 1.5 million years ago. Before now the earliest known evidence of the bacterial affliction was a skeleton from the Mariana Islands in the Pacific dated ca. A.D. 850.

Yaws is one form of treponematosis, which also includes the diseases pinta, venereal syphilis, and endemic syphilis or bejel. It occurs in tropical regions and begins as an inflammatory lesion through which bacteria enter the body. The bacteria then spread, causing extensive bone destruction as well as new bone formation.

Israel Hershkovitz of Tel Aviv University and Bruce Rothschild and Christine Rothschild of the Arthritis Center of Northeast Ohio examined an H. erectus skeleton in the Kenya National Museum, finding deposits of new bone up to seven millimeters thick on arm and leg bones, a condition diagnosed by the skeleton's discoverers as having resulted from an excess of vitamin A. The location and amount of deposits, say the researchers, are indicative of yaws. Similar bone deposits on an H. erectus femur dated ca. 500,000 years ago from Venosa, in southern Italy, suggest that when early humans spread out from Africa they took yaws with them. ( )

Sort of gives new meaning to the expression "Yaws, mine and ours," doesn't it?

Where else on the Internet can you get details about safe temporal reversion travel (with or without a vortex), information about those blue glowing moon crystals that no self-respecting time traveller would leave home without, a language lesson and some health tips for the Middle Pleistocene? Now if that's not worth a measly 30 cents a week I don't know what is.


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 This week's quiz:

Once more unto the breach, dear friends ... match 'em up: prerogative, postulate, reciprocal, relegate, requisite, scrupulous, solicitous, temerity, verbose, vociferous

1. shouting noisily

2. precise and careful

3. audacity

4. move to a lesser position

5. to take as self evident

6. using more words than are necessary

7. given in return

8. required by the nature of things

9. showing concern

10.right or privilege

Here are some tips Carolyn Pratt-Elliott found - for our 'Murkin cousins:

The Fabulous United States of America:

You're on the West Coast when . . . 

* You make over $250,000 and still can't afford to buy your own house. 

* The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 

* You know how to eat an artichoke. 

You're in New York when . . . 

* You think Central Park is "nature." 

* You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.  

You're in Alaska when . . . 

* You have more than one recipe for moose. 

* Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 

* The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction. 

You're in the South when . . . 

* You get a movie and bait in the same store.  

* "He needed killin' " is a valid defense. 

You're in Colorado when . . . 

* You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 

 * The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail. 

You're in the Midwest when . . . 

* Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 

 * When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different."

I just love the second tip for the South!

Last week's quiz: 

Match each word with the one closest in meaning below: obvious, profligate, instrumental, abominate, skill, fervent, recollection, grouchy, outline, magnitude

1. abhor - ABOMINATE

2. anecdote - RECOLLECTION

3. blatant - OBVIOUS

4. choleric - GROUCHY

5. conducive - INSTRUMENTAL

6. delineate - OUTLINE

7. effusive - FERVENT

8. enormity - MAGNITUDE

9. finesse - SKILL

10.hedonism - PROFLIGATE 

This is not for the faint of heart ... maybe you'd better skip this one ...

A couple of Florida redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm smoothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, and then, a shot is heard.

The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Chuckle ... Don't blame me - I warned you!

If you know someone who'd like to start the weekend with a bit of a chuckle (and some writing tips of course)  - just send them this link:  

A Little Something Extra

Royalties, advances, flat fees ...

You're working on your craft, learning how to create a strong novel or intriguing non-fiction book. Great. But as much as you enjoy the writing itself, you'd really love to get paid for it.

Read how authors get paid for their writing here: 

Palindrome:  Mr Owl Ate My Metal Worm (One for all you Time Travellers out there who may be contemplating a trip through a worm hole!)

Word of the week: Accismus (n) The pretended refusal of something that is actually desired very much. The word comes from the Greek akkismos, which means "coyness," or "affectation."

A useful word for those times you have your eye on the last bottle of blue glowing moon crystals in the shop and a rather attractive person walks in, "No, no. I insist - you take the blue glowing moon crystals. I can travel back in time any day! What's that? My accismus is showing?"

This week's Latin phrase would suit our correspondent:

Visne scire quod credam? Credo orbes volantes exstare! (You know what I think? I think flying saucers are real!)

Yeah. Right.



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