Email and Spam

Greetings,

Being a generous (not to mention blithe) spirit by nature, I'd like to share with you an email I received last week ... and some of my comments. It was addressed thus: ATTN: MANAGING DIRECTOR/CEO.

Hey! They'd won me already ... Little moi? ... Managing Director slash CEO ... Wow!

It began:

REQUEST FOR AN URGENT CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS
RELATIONSHIP

"Strange," I thought to myself. "Strange ... that this urgent AND confidential request was sent to the same email address as the person who sent it ... but, I'd just been promoted to CEO - I wasn't going to quibble!

After due deliberation with my colleagues, We have
decided to forward to you this business proposal. We
want a reliable person who could assist us in the
transfer the sum of Twenty Million, Five Hundred
Thousand United States Dollars ( $20,500,000 ) Via
International Bank Draft Cashable in any First World
Countries.

Now, when it comes to that many zeros, I was prepared to be as reliable as they wanted ... $20,500,000 ...Gee!

This fund resulted from an over-invoiced bill from
contracts awarded by us under the budget allocation to
our Ministry. This bill has been approved for payment
by the other concerned Ministries. 

Over-invoicing to the tune of $20 million is just a tad careless if you ask me ... and I'm not surprised those "other ministers" were concerned ...

....................................................The contract has
since been executed, commissioned and the contractor
was paid the actual cost of the contract. 

It occurred to me that there may have been a bit of confusion of subjects here ... maybe it was the contractor who'd been executed ...

...................................................We are left
with the balance US$20.5M as part of the over-invoiced
amount which we have deliberated over estimated for
our own use. But under our protocol division, we as
civil servants are forbidden to operate or own foreign
accounts. This is why we are soliciting your
assistance in this manner and regard .

Aah ... they "deliberated over-estimated" eh? Hmm.

As you may want to know and to make you less curios, I
got your address from adverts in the business directory . 

Well, yes, I have to confess I was just a mite "curios" about why I, of all people, should have been made this outstanding offer.

But ... hang on ...wasn't I the "reliable person" who'd been especially chosen after "due deliberation" among all the colleagues?  ... Now, I was just someone "from adverts in the business directory." Talk about today's rooster being tomorrow's feather duster!

I am the Chief Accountant/Internal Auditor
of the Contract Award Committee ( CAC ) of the
Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation ( NNPC). This
transaction is very much free from all sorts of RISKS
and TROUBLE from my Government. 

Ummm .... would this be the same government that has just been over-invoiced for 20 million bucks? And they're telling me there are no RISKS or TROUBLES ... I don't think so ...

...............................................We the N.N.P.C.
Officials involved in this deal have put in many years
in service to this Ministry. We have been exercising
patience for this opportunity for so long and to most
of us this is a life time opportunity we cannot afford
to miss.

I'll bet!

We have agreed to COMPENSATE you duly if agreement is
reached by both of us and I and one of my colleagues
involved in this deal will come to your country to
arrange for our share, upon the confirmation from you
that the Certified International Bank Draft has been
Approved and Raised in your favor.

If they can come to my country, just like that,  it would appear that these people have a lot more cash than I do!

Consequent upon your acceptance of this proposal,
kindly confirm your interest by Telephone to me,
through my Direct Tel No: Your Intl. Access Code +
873-762-692484 and Fax No: Your Intl. Access Code +
873-762-692485. (Please Call Direct, DO NOT include my
country (234) and City (1) codes when dialing). Your
indication by revert Telephone to me of your sincere
and serious interest will enable me send you or brief
you of  the PROCEDURES FOR THIS TRANSACTION. If my
line is busy, please be persistent enough and you will
surely get through.

My interest could well be both "serious and sincere" but am I going to call "by revert Telephone" and then "be persistent enough?" Maybe not.

NOTE: In the event of your inability to handle this
transaction please inform us so that we can look for
another reliable person who can assist in this
respect.

It might surprise you why we choose you and trusted
you for this transaction. 

Well, yes again - I have to confess to just a teensy twinge of surprise ...

..................................Yes, we believe that good
friends can be discovered and business like this can
not be realized without mutual trust. This is why we
have decided to trust you for this transaction. Be
further informed that everyone's interest and security
had been considered before you were contacted, 

Umm .... would that have been before or after they went to the "adverts in the business directory?"

..............................................................so be
rest assured and feel free to go into this transaction
with us. But let Honesty,Trust and Confidentiality be
our watchword throughout this transaction ....

I'm all for "Honesty, Trust and Confidentiality" ... but the execution of that contractor ...er ... contract earlier on has made me think twice.

....and your prompt reply will be highly appreciated. 

Not from this little black duck, Baby!

Email is such a wonderful medium, it's sad to see it misused like this. If you'd like a few tips on how to write effective business email messages, here's a short article: http://www.write101.com/mailers.htm and for a bit of a chat about email, click here: http://www.write101.com/19mayadv.htm 

I often receive messages from people, asking about various aspects of writing and The Writer's Life ... one common topic is how you make any money out of writing. I've just posted an article by Laura Backes (children's writer) that addresses this very subject: http://www.write101.com/paid.htm  

And now for something completely different ... I found these Vanity Number Plates on a terrific time-waster ... er ... site: http://www-chaos.umd.edu/misc/origplates.html (These are all genuine, registered plates.)

One of my all-time favourites is: EIEIO - it belongs to a family called, wait for it .... MacDonald!

3. belie

4. prosaic

5. endemic

6. reticent

7. rapacious

8. austere

9. indolence

10. pristine

This next story is dedicated to mothers everywhere:

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It's empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. 

Papa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it's also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times  do we have to go through this?"

"It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first.

 "It was 'Momma Bear' who woke  up everybody else in the house.

"It was 'Momma Bear' who made the coffee.

"It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away.

"It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold, early morning air to fetch the newspaper.

"It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table.

"It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish.

"And, now that you've decided to drag your butts downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence ...listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one more time......

"I haven't made the f***ing porridge, yet!!"

1. naive, young, artless, frank, honest, sincere - INGENUOUS

2. food lover, a connoisseur of food - EPICURE

3. prominent, protruding, conspicuous, highly relevant - SALIENT

4. not yet fully formed, rudimentary, elementary - INCHOATE

5. contentious, quarrelsome, contumacious, given to fighting, belligerent - PUNACIOUS

6. urgent, imperative, unchallengeable, ending debate - PEREMPTORY

7. emergency, an urgent situation - EXIGENCY

8. improve, make better - AMELIORATE

9. menacing, threatening - MINATORY

10. intractable, not willing to yield or comply, stubborn - FROWARD (not "forward")

Jennifer

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