Greetings,

Seems as as if apostrophes are on everyone's Hit List. In order to tip the scales a little in its favour, I've set up a forum for those who see themselves as Friends of the Apostrophe.

Please drop by to ask a question, post your best example of the torture of the apostrophe or just generally chat ... 

Now I know you've been waiting with bated breathe since last Friday, to hear the second exciting instalment in the saga of the apostrophe ... so, here we go ... I should tell you, however, that this isn't nearly as good a treatment as the one I composed in my mind when I woke in the early hours last Wednesday and couldn't get back to sleep .... that one was a little ripper!

(What a sad and sorry confession that is! To lie there thinking about apostrophes ... when I could have been thinking about Ricky Martin ... see how dedicated I am to providing you with an entertaining newsletter?)

The second (or first, because we let our heads go last week, remember?) use of the apostrophe is to show omission of one or more letters in contractions.

Using the apostrophe to show omission

You've all seen the apostrophe used in this way, haven't you? There's no real mystery about it, but problems can arise because people who should've listened closely, didn't. Talking about these people makes me think of some other people who just don't know when they've gone too far ...

And loath as I am to say this, Lavinia is one such person. It's not my place to go into details about what'll happen when Raoul finds out about that new Porsche she's just bought for You-Know-Who, but ...

It was bad enough when she wanted Raoul to take that job as CEO in Outer Mongolia, now she's trying to get him to let her appoint all the CEOs, and there are no prizes for guessing who'll get the best job - closest to home ...

At the moment Lars's only role seems to be programming all the VCRs throughout the house - and that's worth a Porsche? Hmmm

It's really easy to work out this use of the apostrophe, just ask yourself what the original words were:

you've - you have

haven't - have not (note where the apostrophe goes here - between the N and the T, 'cause the O has been left out)

they'll - they will

there's - there is (note - you can only ever use this contraction when you have a singular subject ... allow me to illustrate:

there's the man we all want to see (there is the man ...)

there's no prizes for guessing - WRONG! There ARE no prizes for guessing, not there is no prizes ...)

she's - she is

that's - that is

it's - it is

Which brings us to it's and its ...

You've already seen that it's is a contraction of two words: it is.

Its is a possessive pronoun - like his and hers and you'd never dream of whacking in an apostrophe with them, would you? If the word is showing possession, don't use the apostrophe; if it's indicating the omission of a letter ... bung it in!

It's a wonder the apostrophe ever wants to leave its bed in the morning, when it knows the abuse it's going to suffer throughout the day.

(IT IS a wonder the apostrophe ever wants to leave its bed in the morning, when it knows the abuse IT IS going to suffer throughout the day.)

See? Easy when it's explained, isn't it?

And did you note that plural forms of acronyms don't have an apostrophe? You have one VCR or two VCRs, just like you have one personal trainer or two personal trainers ... if you dare!

Once upon a time, when acronyms used to have full stops (periods) at the end of each letter, they did have apostrophes - to indicate the letters that had been left out. So there were C.E.O's in charge of companies. But as we've been more and more pressed for time, we've left out these punctuation marks and the acronyms are now treated like normal nouns.

(The most successful transition of acronym to real noun has to be Qantas. It started life as an acronym for Queensland and Northern Territory Aerial Services (Q.A.N.T.A.S.) complete with full stops. It was QANTAS for some time, but now it's Qantas. You can read about its early years here.)

The current usage is that when you abbreviate a word, you don't use a full stop IF the last letter of the abbreviation is the same as the last letter of the whole word.

So it's Mr not Mr. (because mister ends in R).

But there are exceptions (why aren't you surprised?) Abbreviated forms of words that have become common, don't have to take the full stop e.g. exam (examination) doesn't end in N, but is so commonly used that we treat it as a proper word in its own right.

The same sort of thing goes for pram (perambulator) and bus (omnibus) - you don't use the apostrophe to show what's been left out. 

(Read about the other use of the apostrophe.)

Last week I put in a couple of my favourite mondegreens - here are some others:

Regarding the misheard lyrics, you omitted one of the most "popular" of them:

"'Scuse me while I kiss this guy."
Actual lyric:
"'Scuse me while I kiss the sky."
(Jimi Hendrix)

Eric L. Sofer

Regards, Maitiu  

  jan

Chuckle ... If you couldn't work out mine from last week (Ah! More Sugar) - it's Elvis's "Ah'm All Shook Up!"

On a serious note ... just for a moment ... there seems to be a new virus/bug doing the rounds. Every week when I send out my newsletters, as well as the comments and questions I receive from subscribers (thank you!), I also receive the first couple of lines of the newsletter with a comment "See to the attachment ..." and there's a file attached - which, of course I NEVER open. I don't know if it's dangerous or not ... but I have no intention of finding out!

It may be a good idea to scan your files to check your programs aren't infected with this. You can get a free scan online at most of the big Anti-Virus companies (Norton, McAfee etc), just in case your email program is sending this out.

This week's quiz:

Match each definition with a word from the list: 

quiescent, misanthrope, recreancy, epitome, erudite, saturnine, misogynist, abeyance, squalid, diaphanous

1. learned, scholarly

1. firmness, persistency, adhesiveness, tending to hang on - TENACITY

2. one who abandons long-held religious or political convictions - APOSTATE

3. causing tears, tearful - LACHRYMOSE

4. turmoil; a bewildering jumble - WELTER

5. to defeat, put down - DISCOMFIT

6. brief, to the point, terse - LACONIC

7. corruptible, unprincipled - VENAL

8. to turn to bone; to settle rigidly into an idea or practice, become closed-minded - OSSIFY

9. sophisticated, artful, trying to deceive, cunning - DISINGENUOUS

10. muddy, having the sediment stirred up - TURBID

Here are some of my favourite entries from this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest - all three are from the Vile Pun section:

While they listened to the dulcet strains of Wayne Newton, quaffed champagne, cuddled in the hot tub as bubbles nibbled at their shoulders like a peckish Pomeranian, Tiffany and Shane grew lethargic and groggy; and as Shane drew a final, sweet drag from his cigarette, an errant breeze hijacked an ember - only to release it into the slumbering Tiffany's mane; but Shane, besotted and inherently doltish, could muster no plan of rescue until he heard Wayne Newton intone, "Dunk her, Shane."

Tautology of the week:  "As far as the future is concerned, it depends a lot on what happens."

This week's Latin phrase is just one of those multi-purpose phrases that sounds impressive in Latin:

an-EE-mahl BEE-pays IM-ploom

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